Chapter 75: Chapter 74 - You Don’t Have To Pretend With Me

The silence of night fell across the house while raindrops had not been heard in hours; however, the windows still showed a chill.

The upstairs bedrooms were quiet .Akari’s, for once, had been darkened for a little over an hour with no sign of Aoi turning on her light.

Even Kuro’s dad returned from work late and went right to bed due to being worn out.

The only room still lit at all was the living room and it contained.

Kuro who was sitting all alone on the couch and staring blankly out into the dark room.

His phone was laying next to him with the screen off, and his TV was turned off too.

On the table in front of him was a half-empty warm cup of coffee that was going to get cold.

His ability to think had become fuzzy.

And therein lay the problem:

Despite trying to push those memories to the back of his mind earlier today at the cemetery, they were showing themselves to him all over again; his mom’s face was smiling at him, her voice was calling his name, and she was gently running her hand through his hair.

But the most disturbing factor about them was that the more years pass, the harder they would be to remember.

Kuro slowly leaned forward putting his elbows on his knees and closed his eyes because he was so tired.

Being awake at this hour was something Kuro truly despised.

Kuro felt there was nothing protecting him from himself during these quiet hours.

However, through the silence, he could hear footsteps approaching from the hall across his view.

With that sound, Kuro’s hands began to fall.

Kuro saw Shizuka standing at the entry of the hall, long hair tousled from sleeping and dressed comfortably.

For a few moments they didn’t speak.

Then Shizuka said, almost as if she didn’t want Kuro to answer back, "I see your awake".

Kuro barely mustered up a smile but managed to give a small smile back to her.

Shizuka continued by explaining in a soft way that she did go to get water to drink.

Kuro felt she was lying to him, but it was not deliberate. They both knew this.

She had most likely seen the light on while walking through downstairs and was actually checking to see how Kuro was doing without having to come out and ask him directly.

Fortunately for Kuro, she did not come out and say that her intention was to check on him, but instead walked quietly to the sofa and sat on the opposite side.

To be exact, she sat with distance close enough that they were neither too far or too close to be slightly uncomfortable.

Instead, they had a unique dynamic of similar comfort.

Meanwhile, outside the wind moved softly amongst the trees and there was a ticking clock somewhere deeper inside the house.

Eventually Shizuka broke the silence with her comment, "You saw her earlier".

This was not a question, but rather it was a statement.

Kuro remained silent with his eyes cast downward for several more seconds.

Then, Kuro confirmed her statement with a soft voice by answering, "Yes".

Kuro had no intention of providing any additional information on his visit to see his mother.

Then without saying anything " ...Okay."

Nothing more was communicated.

Except that this time, Shizuka wouldn’t press him to respond.

She just sat on the couch next to him in silence.

Somehow that made it feel easier to talk.

Kuro leaned back again on the couch.

"...I thought at one point that the sadness of loss would go away."

His voice was too quiet, calm.

"...Eventually just like waking up one day and the pain isn’t there."

"...But it doesn’t."

She listened in silence and didn’t interrupt Kuro.

"...You just learn how to carry it."

The air stayed still in the room for a few seconds.

Then Kuro chuckled to himself.

"...That’s a dorky thing to say."

"No."

Shizuka had a soft voice.

"...You’re being honest."

Kuro was quiet again.

And for some reason at that moment her plain answer hurt him.

Because being honest was very scary tonight.

Kuro already felt vulnerable.

Then without saying anything .

"...I’m starting to forget how she sounded."

The words were out of his mouth before he could pull back.

Kuro’s fingers were clenched together.

"...There are still some memories of her voice.But they aren’t clear anymore."

He started to breathe unevenly.

"...It’s getting harder to remember her every year."

Shizuka’s face showed concern.

Kuro was looking down at the cold cup of water.

"...I don’t want to lose her."

Kuro let a faint chuckle escape his lips.

"Who forgets their own mother’s voice?"

"Uh, um..."

"I tried to remember."

His voice cracked slightly this time, too.

"I really tried."

After that, the room was painfully quiet.

Because this was not the calm, dependable Kuro that everyone knew.

Instead this was the exhausted, hurt child that was underneath him speaking for the first time honestly.

"I remember the small things , the way she tied back her hair , the way her shampoo smelled , the feel of her hand on my forehead when I was sick."

His throat tightened.

"But, I can’t hear it anymore."

"I can’t hear it correctly anymore."

Shizuka lowered her gaze with shame as she listened and pictured all of the guilt that had eaten at Kuro for all those years.

Kuro returned to rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"But now...sometimes I laugh like a normal person. And sometimes I forget what day it is until someone points it out..."

His expression contorted faintly after that.

"And every time I do, I feel horrible."

He seemed to be smaller than he was sitting under the dim living room light.

Like the face of maturity he wore every day had slipped away completely.

"Sometimes it makes me feel like if I continue moving on too much,"

His voice quit.

He couldn’t finish.

Shizuka understood anyway.

"Like you’re betraying her?"

After a brief moment he nodded, very slightly.

Then, once again, silence filled the room. The type of silence that holds years of loneliness within itself.

And then finally, Kuro spoke a word he has never spoken before, "I think a part of me kept my distance from you because of her."

Shizuka grew slightly, Kuro’s voice grew quieter with each word.

" You were kind and you have done a lot of work to take care of me."

He had a brief smile before Kuro said, "Akari and Aoi accepted me faster than I had anticipated also."

Then Kuro lowered his voice even more, "but, every time I started to feel like it was okay to be here..."

Then Kuro had to stop for a few seconds to keep from crying, "I felt like I would have to forget her."

The words started to tremble in Kuro’s voice, "so if I totally accepted the family...."

And Kuro was shaking so much, he couldn’t even finish his sentence.

Shizuka waited without saying anything, because there isn’t anything to say to ease this type of grief.

There isn’t a magic word to ease grief.

Only understanding.

Then slowly Shizuka moved to each other’s sides, Without doing it suddenly or too hard, With gentleness and no aggression.

Like two very, very fragile things.

"Kuro," she said with a very, very, soft voice,

" your love family is here and you don’t have to erase your mother memories."

Kuro bowed his head without saying anything.

Shizuka said to him, "No one is going to replace her and no one could ever replace her."

"But it’s not wrong to love the people that were there for you after you lost your mother."

When Kuro heard this, he felt something in him break.

Because he was waiting for someone to say it out loud for years.

Looking at him cautiously, Shizuka said, "You were only a child."

She also sounded a bit shaky now.

"A child who was trying to deal with the loss of a person who cannot be replaced."

And immediately after that, Kuro looked away from her.

Because all at once his vision began to go blurry.

Gripping his hands together trying to force himself back into calmness.

But Shizuka saw it right away.

She reached out.

And without hesitation and without any awkwardness, she pulled him into her arms.

Just warmth.

The warmth of someone holding a suffering child and not expecting them to keep being strong.

Kuro stopped all movement.

Because it had been a long time.

A long, long time since someone held him like this.

Not in an attraction way. Not in an overly restrained way.

Just motherly. Comforting.Shizuka gently touched the back of his head.

"It’s okay."

That one little statement completely destroyed Kuro.

And instantly after that he couldn’t breathe anymore.

All the pent up grief from over the years all came to the surface in an instant under the soft light of the little room.

As his quivering breath transformed from its earlier form into tears of sadness, he buried his face deep into her shoulder as he truly released his cry.

There was no elegance involved in these tears.

He was no longer able to hold back his sobs.

He wept with real grief.

For years he had kept the real grief he’s been carrying inside a secret because he never wanted anyone to want him for whatever reason, let alone for being broken.

Through every second of this time she was there holding onto him even tighter.

With one hand caressing his hair as he weeps like all the things he tried hard never to be an alone little boy.

"You don’t need to put on an act around me" she said softly in a whisper.

At last, Kuro felt free after so many years to be who he is.