"What are they doing?" Castor asked, looking genuinely confused as the two acolytes quickly ran away in a panic before their faces were identified.

Julian felt he could finally catch his breath.

"I was just taking a walk when I found two people kissing." He found it even more uncomfortable saying it like this. It felt like he was reporting them to a kid.

"Kissing?" Castor tilted his head, his brown hair messy. "I see people doing that in corners all the time. But I still don’t understand why though. What does kissing do? Is it some way to share holy energy? Or are they trying to steal each other’s breath?"

Julian looked at him and realized the boy wasn’t joking. The Church had kept him so sheltered that he actually didn’t understand.

"It’s how people show they... like each other," Julian said, feeling his face get hot. "It’s supposed to feel nice."

He brushed his hand over his neck, his heart suddenly thumping as he recalled the times Alaric kissed him, nibbling on his lip, and sucking on his tongue. The thrill was exciting.

Ah, no. I shouldn’t think of that right now. I might get hard. He grimaced. What was he even thinking about in front of a kid?

Castor frowned, tilting his head even more. "It’s supposed to feel nice? By hitting their lips together? It looks like they’re trying to swallow each other’s teeth. Seems messy and a bit weird. Is there really something nice about that?"

Julian rubbed his forehead. Explaining this to a child was not exactly in his field. Miss Seo seemed to be good at sex education but he never really put his mind into it.

If he were to teach Castor now...

"Castor, I think it’s one of those things you have to try to understand. But maybe... not in a dark hallway."

Castor gave it a slight thought and then jumped down so he could stand directly in front of Julian.

"Then, can I try it with you?"

Julian paused and then his brows furrowed.

"No!" He rejected it right away. Even if for the sake of education, there were some lines he knew not to cross. "I have a lover, so I can’t do that with someone else."

"You... have a lover?" Castor furrowed his brows. The term sounded foreign and he did not know exactly what it was but... why did it feel like he had lost something before he even tried to grasp it? "What is a lover?"

Julian stared at him and then turned his head away, thinking of the most beginner-friendly explanation to give to the child.

"You know what a married couple is right? Like a mom and dad?"

"Duh! I’m not that dense." Castor said. "After all, I had a mom and dad before," he smiled but that smile made Julian’s heart feel heavy for the child.

"Yes, sorry. Well, having a lover is like having someone to be by your side to love and protect you. They share their burdens together and in time, create a family of their own." He was explaining it the best way he could and it seemed like Castor understood it.

But how well he understood it, Julian did not know.

"Alright, I seem to understand it. But then, who can teach me? Someone without a lover?"

That was part of it but then again, he can’t encourage the boy to go around searching for priests to smack lips with. That could not only get him into trouble but give others the wrong impression of him. 𝙛𝓻𝒆𝓮𝒘𝙚𝙗𝒏𝙤𝙫𝓮𝒍.𝓬𝒐𝙢

"Do you have someone you like?" Julian asked.

The child probably doesn’t understand what liking someone means since he never even understood what kissing someone meant. But if it’s an innocent crush, anyone can have that.

"If you have someone you like and you want to do it with them, you can learn it then. Though, I don’t think your doctrine allows you to if you want to stay pure."

"Then does that mean doing this makes you impure?"

The question landed heavily. Julian looked at Castor, who was staring up at him with those wide, earnest eyes, waiting for a simple answer to a very complicated problem.

"In the eyes of your Church? Probably," Julian admitted, his voice quiet in the narrow corner. "But in my world, outside these white walls, there is nothing impure about loving someone. It isn’t a stain, Castor. It’s... it’s a connection."

Castor leaned against the stone wall, his brow furrowing as he tried to process this.

"If it’s a connection, why does the Council call it a sin? Why do they say the Light only stays with those who are empty of such things?"

"I think it’s because it’s easier to control people who have nothing to lose," Julian said, the scholar in him speaking before he could stop it. "If you love someone, your heart belongs to them. The Church wants your heart to belong only to the Light—or rather, to them."

Castor went quiet. He looked down at his hands, the same hands that were supposed to hold the ’holy energy’.

"I don’t feel empty," Castor whispered. "I feel... like I’m waiting for something. And when you hugged me the other day, it didn’t feel like a sin. It felt like I was finally standing in the sun."

He looked back up at Julian, a sudden spark of his usual defiance returning to his eyes.

"If being pure means I have to be a statue like Elian, then I don’t think I want to be pure, Julian. I’d rather be messy like those two in the hallway if it means I get to feel... warm."

Julian felt a pang of protectiveness. This boy was being groomed to be a priest, someone close to the heart of their god, but all he wanted was to be a human.

"Just be careful, Castor," Julian warned, reaching out to ruffle the boy’s messy brown hair. "This city is made of white marble, that’s why it’s easy to identify every speck of dirt. If you’re going to look for that warmth, make sure you do it where the Purifiers can’t find you."

Castor gave a small, lopsided grin. "That’s what secret bases are for, right?"

He straightened his white robe and prepared to slip back into the shadows, but then he paused.

"Julian?"

"Yes?"

"Your lover... the one you mentioned. They must be very lucky. To have someone who sees the world the way you do."

Before Julian could find the words to respond—to tell him about Alaric, and the world outside, the world he had never seen—Castor vanished into the dark, moving with the silent agility of someone who had spent his whole life escaping.

Julian stood alone in the corner for a long moment, the heat finally leaving his face. He thought of Alaric’s kiss, the sharp contrast of the Duke’s possessive hunger against this sterile, lonely city.

He took a deep breath, smoothed out his blue robes, and began the long walk back to his quarters. The ’peace’ of the Sanctum was a lie, and the more he looked, the more he saw the cracks.

Ugly, dirty cracks.