My family is far away. And as for someone I love. . . There is no longer."

Raymond’s question and my answer made me realize something.

That I did not feel Neil’s cheating and absence from my life the way I am supposed to. Even right now. I did not go into my usual crying, overthinking episodes and depression mood. It is a big first. I am too occupied with everything else; my first ever one night stand. Encountering Calyx. Potential laying-off from work and this recent issue with Annie. What can I say I owe it to exactly? I have not even called my mom to tell her.

"Haven’t you got a fiance?" He asks.

"What, fiance?" Shit that was wrong! You used to have a fiance.

"Oh fiance, I use to have a fiance—I mean I do have a fiance." Shut up, Gwen. You sound so lame and stupid!

Raymond eyes me in a scrutinizing manner over the rim of his coffee mug. He drinks from it and holds it back down, still examining me through those glasses. "Something is wrong." He states.

"What. Nothing is wrong." I lied.

"If you adopt a cat or a dog, and someone asks you if you have one, the answer "yes" automatically says it’s word out from your lips without you even realizing it. You fumbling is a clear sign that something is wrong."

"Why do you have to be right?" I whine. You could have just pretended you didn’t notice. I really did not feel like divulging it now. I am not prepared for the workplace embarrassment. I know I would eventually have to face it though. I cannot drag it out until the wedding actually comes, can I? God, I was really looking forward to their gifts. Veronica personally told each and everyone of us what to gift her for her baby shower. She specifically requested a baby prams from me. The price for it broke my meagre savings account then. I was a newbie then who was trying to fit in with her colleagues. A workplace is not like highschool where you can just go, study, ignore everyone else and pretend they don’t exist. Be a nerd, loner, and go back home. You’ve gotta interact with people whether you like it or not. You can’t play a loner even if you want to. I instantly knew that from the moment I arrived here.

I could almost say the same thing with Laurel. She was getting a coat at a mall. I happened to be there too. We had small chats. Her card kept declining when she tried to pay with it. She didn’t have cash on her. And I decided to be the good Samaritan and step in to help her pay for it thinking she would pay it back. Bitch kept rambling to me one excuses or the other. That was last year. I had alluded to her to get me a nice gift for my wedding. But it seems that I won’t be getting that.

"You are kind of easy to read." He suddenly remarks.

"What does that mean?" I don’t quite like the sound of that.

"If you had not fumbled on your statement, I still would have known something was wrong. Your face said it too. You are like an open book."

"Really? You could be wrong—no, you are wrong. I am not an open book. I can hide feelings." I said defensively.

If I wasn’t able to conceal my feelings and emotions, a disgruntled expression and a scowl would be visible to the others who constantly ask me to help them out in their work. I would have outrightly cursed the directorate manager a potbellied old, lazy geezer instead of doing it in my mind because I know it could instantly get me fired.

"I didn’t mean it in a bad way." He said on seeing my reaction.

"I know." Not in a bad way, but also not in a good way.

"I don’t know if I should be asking this, but is the wedding still on?"

"No." I reply truthfully. "It is off. I won’t take him even if he comes back and pleads. You see. . . I can’t handle a man who cheats. Especially if I love him. I am only his,

and he should be only mine too. I hate having to share a man whom I love with some other tramp! We always have to share in our lives; We share our parents, we share our friends, we share our family. The person we romantically love and feel for is the only one that gets to be ours.

But no. They just have to end up being worse." It is at the end of my sentence and the way I feel that lets me know that I have just spoken a lot. Verbally poured out my feelings. I feel hurt—not hurt in the sense that I want to cry, but in the sense of anger that I had given my all, loving and expecting but what do I always get in return for that? "You are not good enough in bed for me." "You don’t go down on me." "Gweneth, you are like a log of wood." "I have lost the spark I thought I had with you." "You are just not what I am looking for in a woman."

"Let’s give each other space."

Bunch of fuck-ups! They are the ones not good enough for me. None of them had fucked me insanely to the point of passing out like that stranger did. I always had to fake. Fake. And fake. Fighting the urge to make myself cum after sex with them.

You know what? I have always wanted love, and marriage. But screw it if I can’t get it. I am over it now.

I will just be like Annie and find a guy with a delicious cock to satisfy me whenever I am horny. Speaking of which, I should meet that guy and act that night again. Today is Friday. I don’t know if Annie would feel like going out given her current sulky situation.

"Yep. I completely understand you."

"You’ve been there too?"

"Yes." His expression shifted. I should take that as a sign not to ask but I do anyway. "How did it happen? You caught her bed with another man?" I guess.

He sits on his desk and folds his arms with a light, funny expression. "Did I catch her in bed with another man?" He repeats my guess question. "No. Worse."

"Worse how?" I put my hand on my jaw, waiting for him to spill the coffee.

"It is very funny. You see, a friend of mine tells me he is getting married." He starts. "He goes on bragging about how much of a goddess his wife to be is. There was four of us present—that is our whole gang when he broke the news.

And we were really happy for him. As well as curious—and a little worried because he is not exactly what anyone would call good-looking. He is my friend and I love him, but I gotta say the truth. But his parents are super wealthy. That makes him a big fish too.

We were naturally worried that his pretty goddess might be a gold digger. He always had trouble getting girls. He even graduated highschool a virgin. Same thing almost happened in college. But we hooked him up with a pretty girl to prevent it."

"Oh, you guys are like practically best friends for you to look out for him like that." I say.

"Yes we are. We’ve got a whole clique. We used to call ourselves ’THE ROKE’ in highschool."

"The Roke? What does that mean?"

"Raymond, Owen, Kelvin and Elijah. THE ROKE’S"

"It sounds wild. But legit." I laugh.

"You can say cringey. I don’t even remember who came up with that in the first place. Alright, back to Kelvin and his ’goddess’ bride to be. . . . . We then asked to see a photo of her. He happily pulled up it up. . . and then I was staring at my girlfriend Maddy."

"Damn." I don’t know what to say other than that.

"Yeah, damn."

"Did he know that she was your girlfriend?"

"I don’t think they both did. Kelvin had been abroad for months. I introduced her to the rest of my friends except him."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing." He shrugs. "I gave them my blessings. They are getting married on Saturday. I am specially invited."

"Really?" I said incredulously.

"Yes, really."

"Did you not love her?"

"Love?

Not really. But we did have something special. I really liked her. We could have headed somewhere if she hadn’t gone to my friend." He spoke with a little sadness.

"Did you fight for her?"

"No. If anything, I am happy. She leaving me gives me a chance to pursue a new interest that I thought I had forgotten." He answers simply.