"But Daddy, we can beat up the stinky snail."

"I don't like running away! I want to fight."

Despite their protests, both junior cheese fiends let their parents drag them along as they quickly retreated back the way they came.

Gendifur said calmly, "It has a Name, my lovelies, and if something has a name, it's much tougher than it looks."

Brutus was chuffing along, running not his best loved skill. "Yeah, and they could surprise you and have some sort of special attack. Just never know what to expect."

From behind, the snail screamed again, and more snails started moving toward it. Then, in a loud, grating, voice it said, "Intruder Alert. Kill the Intruders. Defend the Master's Lands." The oncoming snails changed trajectory slightly, aiming for the scouting party, and not moving toward Old Crusty. All of the snails coming at them were smaller, and had red and green stripes on their shells. They were moving a lot faster than the much slower blue battle snails.

Brutus nodded sagely. "See, that's surprise number one. The damned thing can talk!"

It did, and proved to be very talkative.

"Catch them, you idiots, or I'll be eating escargot for supper."

"Head them off at the pass!"

"Kill them all and let the System sort things out."

"Crack their shells and toss salt in the wounds, that will teach 'em a lesson."

"Faster, Faster. And add some furious to it. You're a lean, mean fighting machine."

"Just keep moving girls. Trust Daddy, you need to be able to analyze tactical situations to know the proper time to call for a retreat to avoid casualties to you and your allies and to maximize revenge on your enemies, even if it is at a later time."

"MAMA! Daddy is using the big words!"

Brutus grinned, holding on to Buttercup as they ran. "He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day."

"I'm still confused! Why not stay and fight now!"

Gendifur kept ahold of Rosie's arm, but handed her a cookie. "It means you can't fight back if you're dead."

"But we can beat up snails easy, and the burney stuff heals quick!

Brutus had no doubt the girls could raise havoc and kill a lot of snails. They'd come through tough fights and had no fear of getting hurt. Peenhammer was in a tough set of mechanical armor, and neither he nor Gendifur was easy to kill. They might win, or if losing, might fight their way out, but besides getting killed, something a good guard worked hard to avoid, he and his wife were raising two cheese fiends, and that came with unique parental responsibilities.

There was nothing in ratkin lore about children becoming cheese fiends, except for cautionary tales about what happens to bad children who sneak into the cheese cellar. No one had told those tales in Limburger Hollow for many years. They didn't have too, Larry was a living example of what could happen. He came back now on a regular basis to the Hollow, to tell stories to the young welps about his lonely years with no friends and the horrible cravings that still affected him from time to time. They were managing to keep the girl's cheese intake to a minimum, and it was much easier when on the road and away from the hollow. But they worried about how much the girls loved to fight. They were good at it, and any child loved doing what they were good at. Guard Training in restrictive armor and using weapons like maces and swords actually made them less effective, but helped to contain their rage and need to fight, things that came with their curse. There would always be a monster inside of them, wanting to rage and fight, their job as parents was to help the girls mature until they could control that monster themselves. But that wasn't something he wanted to tell them just now...

"See, girls, being a Guard means protecting everyone. I'm pretty sure you two would do a great job killing snails, but I'm worried about your Mother and Mr. Peenhammer. We don't want them to get hurt, do we?" That brought a worried look to both girls.

"Mama?! I don't want Mama to get hurt!"

"And Mr. Peenhammer is so little. Don't worry, Mr. Peenhammer. We'll be good guards and protect you!"

Peenhammer was concentrating on running, and shifted power to his leg mechanics to keep up. This was the furthest he'd had to run in decades, although he'd been getting some regular exercise most nights lately. He vowed to get in more to make jogging easier. "Good, because if my calculations are right, the damnable crawlers will be closing the ring ahead of us before we get there. We're going to need to break though."

Brutus yelled out. "That's my job, then. Girls, form up behind me, and I want Gendy and Peen in the third rank, for a wedge formation. I've got a great skill called Eastbound and Down that I've been itching to try." The rest of the group moved into place and Brutus began to sing a jaunty tune that put energy in their legs and a smile on their faces. Their speed more than doubled, leaving a dust cloud behind them. Just as Peenhammer had predicted, the snails had closed off their retreat.

From behind came the strange voice of Old Crusty. "Circle Round and bunch up the herd. We don't want any strays getting away. No one has ever escaped the Snailish Inquisition!"

Brutus looked behind him, Old Crusty was falling behind, but proving he could move faster than the average snail when he had to. The big Guard yelled back at him. "Oh yeah? Well we're gonna do what they say can't be done." Putting his shield in front of him he yelled. "Equip shields, girls, time to show these snails what real guards can do. SHIELD RUSH!"

All three shields glowed brightly, and the group went even faster. Acid and flaming fluid splashed harmlessly behind them as the snails to either side misjudged their aim. Brutus aimed for the slight gap between two battle snails. The wedge hit the gap, and the huge snails, each weighing over a ton were flung to either side. And then they were past the ring, and racing towards the dubious safety of the cavern wall.

"Hot Pursuit, idiots, don't let them get away."

Brutus looked behind him. Old Crusty and his posse were still coming. "What's the plan, Peenhammer? Head for home and hope we can run farther and faster than they can?"

The Engineer pointed ahead. "Nope, cause I see more coming from that direction. We're going to climb that wall and gain a defensive position. See that ledge? That's what we're going to climb too. I want to have a little help from gravity on our side, both for making their shooting range shorter, and to be able to knock them back down the slope if they come at us."

"Looks mighty steep."

"Yup, but I've seen these girls climb near vertical slopes, and I'd be a poor cave-crawler if I didn't have a few tricks up my sleeve. We keep running up the curve and when we get high enough, I'll fire a grapple and give the three of us a line to help us get up there." As he'd said, the girls had no trouble climbing the slope as it got steeper and steeper. Rosie was using her claws to gain purchase, but some how, Buttercup was moving much faster and got to the ledge first.

"YES, I win. Buttercup is best climber."

Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.

"You cheated somehow! You weren't even using your claws!"

"Didn't have to, there are little handholds to help you climb."

"That's cheating!"

"Still counts as climbing. Buttercup wins."

Peenhammer had assembled his special grappling hook attachment for his gun and was taking aim at the ledge when Buttercup came into his sights. "Dammit, can't get a shot with her in the way. I ain't that good of....wait, handholds?" He stowed the gun on his shoulder harness and headed to where Gendifur was following Buttercup's path. Rosie had reached the little ledge, still arguing with her sister.

Brutus motioned for Peenhammer to go ahead. "Start climbing. I'm slow and going last. But it looks easy. They're small and close together but you can get a claw tip into them." Peenhammer nodded, then started up. It wasn't a good time argue about who went last, with the snails starting up the slope and tossing fire. He concentrated on moving as fast as he could and getting out of Brutus's way. The snails were moving slower as the went up the incline, but Old Crusty was still urging them on.

"We have not yet begun to fight. And by we, I mean you. At them boys! Show them what your made of."

Peenhammer was halfway up. Brutus was still at the bottom, eyeing Old Crusty. The dwarf yelled down to him, "No time for heroics. You got a family, remember."

Brutus took the advice and turned to climb, just as he did, Old Crusty yelled, "Fire in the Hole." Three mottled green and red snails with long tails fired loads of flaming goo, their tails acting like catapults. If Brutus hadn't been twenty feet higher and climbing, the bulk of it would have hit him. As it was, he took some splash damage, singing his legs. It was minimal, with his resistances, but it certainly added to his climbing speed. The girls clapped as he nearly ran up the slope, toe claws hitting the small handholds.

Buttercup yelled out, "Daddy is best climber ever. Go Daddy!"

Rosie instantly agreed. "Brave Guard Daddy wins!"

Brutus sat down on the ledge and caught his breath while Gendifur put burn ointment on his legs. He smiled at her, "Do I get a cookie?" The girls' ears stood up.

The nurse pulled out a sack, "I think everyone deserves a cookie after that."

Peenhammer took his, then looked around. "Handholds to a ledge, and what's up with this little cave behind us?" He got down on his hands and knees and crawled through the opening. Inside was a larger cave, completely decorated in stone carvings of vine-covered trees and low vegetation. The floor was carved into a mosaic, stained in blacks, greys, and whites, forming a geometric pattern. A stone table and chairs sized for dwarven children sat in the center of the room, and he saw a hearth, benches, and stone amphorae, all attached to the floor or walls.

Strangest of all was the door that wasn't a door. It was a carving of a door, covered in script of some sort, but a solid part of the wall. "Well, this is a mystery for another day. Best not get sidetracked." He crawled back out and told them what he'd seen.

"Folks, got another variable in this equation. Someone made a nice little hidey-hole behind us. Would be damned nice if the door was a bit bigger. I'm the only one dainty enough to fit through the hole. Damn, that snail doesn't quit, does he?"

Brutus was carefully watching the snails below them. As Peenhammer had predicted, the height difference was keeping them safe from ranged attacks, at least for now. But Old Crusty was organizing the snails, putting them in ranks, and slowly pushing up the incline.

"We've got them right were we wanted them! Onward, my brave, snailish legions. Show them what I taught you."

"Crack their shells and toss salt in the wounds, that will teach 'em a lesson."

"Mama, why does Mr. Stinkysnail keep saying the same stuff over and over?"

Gendifur had been paying more attention to running and keeping ahold of her babies than listening tot he ranting mollusk. But she knew the girls had incredibly good hearing, and very good memories. "Is he, Buttercup?"

"Uh huh, he does, and says it the same way, each time. Right Rosie?"

"Right. Even when he screams and hurts our ears, it's the same scream. I really don't like Mr. Stinkysnail."

Brutus didn't either, "Well, he sure doesn't like us. He's like a snail general, I think. See how some of the herd starts to wander off, and then he screams at them or rants and they turn around and come back? He's a smart, old one. We need to get rid of him."

Gendifur looked at him, "You are not going to charge down the slope, tackle the thing, kill it, and hope the army disperses. That's a bad plan."

Brutus looked sheepish, "Not even contemplating it, but, uh, why is it such a bad plan. Asking for informational purposes."

Gendifur looked at the girls, "You think they wouldn't follow you down?"

Brutus nodded, "Nope, too brave. Ok, do we have a plan B?"

Peenhammer had his gun out again. "Yup. I got one. Gonna use a little bit of applied engineering to solve this problem. I need my two strong assistants next to me. Hold me steady girls, I'm using a double charge of the new blasting powder. Might be a little knock back. When I tag our fish, you reel him in."

"Fish? What are you fishing for, Mr. Peenhammer?"

"Shush, we have to be very, very quiet, I'm hunting snails!" Then he aimed the harpoon gun downslope and let fly. The bolt exploded from his gun, but the girls braced him with their bulk and strength. The spike punched into Old Crusty's shell, then deployed the side tongs on the grapple. "Got him! Start hauling."

"You idiots! Look what you've done now! Do I have to do everything myself? Why did I ever try to train snails? I'd have done better starting with rats!"

Finding himself hoisted up the slope, the old snail tried to fight but couldn't gain any leverage, and was jerked up the slope by the enthusiastic cheese fiends.

"I have not yet begun to fight!"

Maces, claws, and a dwarven rivet gun made short work of the old snail, killing Crusty before he could spring any surprises on them. Below, the other snails began to mill around, and then dispersed, slowly moving back to the greener areas to begin munching on vegetation again.

Buttercup held her nose. "He's even more stinky now! Worse than Daddy's socks." No one disagreed. Rosie was disappointed in the reward, "Only two enhancement points? Worthless old stinky snail!"

Rosie said, "Hey, my scarabs!" Both of them kept their baby scarabs with them at all times, feeding them and caring for them according to their book. The little metallic insects had doubled in size since they got them. Now, they chewed through the girls backpacks, and burrowed quickly into Old Crusty

"Are they hungry, they just got fed a little bit ago?"

After a minute, the scarabs reappeared, dragging behind them wires and what looked like magi-tech components. They made several trips while everyone watched and Peenhammer carefully cleaned and examined each piece.

"Now, isn't this interesting. Can't be sure, but that certainly looks like a voice modulator and a recording device along with some other doohickeys. I think out fishing expedition struck gold. Time to go turn in our maps, make our report, and give Brother Milo something new to ponder."