Chapter 30

Rosie

I sat on the couch, where he’d left me, dumbfounded, and everything felt wrong. The room suddenly became so empty and cold with the gust of wind he left behind. I could still feel tingles where his hands had been on my waist, could still taste him on my lips and it made my chest ache so badly I wanted to cry but I was already crying, when did I start crying?

Tears streamed down my face. His iris flashed golden; I clearly saw the bright, glowing gold stare at me before he changed back to his normal eye color.

I shook my eyes, blinking with tears, that couldn’t be possible. Arousal haze had let me. Imagine that and my head was playing tricks on me. We were kissing and I was so wrapped in how good it was that my eyes saw things that weren’t possible.

I touched my face where he’d touched me, trying to remember the exact moment when everything had changed, when he’d gone from kissing me, practically devouring me to leaving without saying anything at all.

But then why did he leave?

The question made my stomach churn painfully so I had to wrap my arms around myself and the only answer that made sense was that he left because of me, because I did something wrong.

I was the problem. Maybe because I moved too fast or wanted too much or showed him how desperate and pathetic I really was and he realized he didn’t want me after all.

The voices started then, quiet at first but getting louder and louder until they were screaming inside my head and making my eyes blurry.

You’re too fat.

Too ugly.

He realized he didn’t want you, he saw you and was disgusted.

Look at yourself, why would someone like him want someone like you? You’re not pretty enough, not good enough, not special, you’re nothing, absolutely nothing.

“Stop it,” I whispered, my voice trembling but they didn’t stop, they never stopped, and I was curling up tighter on the couch pulling my knees to my chest while tears streamed down my face.

No. I wanted to bang my head to stop them from getting to me but they continued to hurl those words at me.

He came to his senses, the voices said.

He left and he’s not coming back, you ruined everything like you always do, fat ugly broken worthless thing that you are, nobody wants you, Josh didn’t want you, your parents didn’t want you, and now Jude doesn’t want you either.

You are pathetic...

My chest constricted so tight I couldn’t breathe properly and my hands were shaking where I clutched my knees and I couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t make the voices shut up, couldn’t understand what I’d done wrong.

I grabbed my phone desperately, my vision so blurry from tears that I could barely see the screen. No texts, no missed calls, nothing from Jude.

I wiped my eyes with shaking fingers and dialed his number, holding the phone to my ear and listening to it ring, please pick up, please Jude, please.

If I’ve done something wrong, I’d apologize... then the automatic voicemail came in

“The number you have dialed is unreachable.”

And I tried again.

“The number you have dialed is unreachable.”

Did he turn his phone off? Was he avoiding me? Did he not want to talk to me?

I was spiraling and I knew it because the sudden panic was making it even harder to breathe and I couldn’t just sit here anymore, couldn’t stay in this cottage that still smelled like him, like his scent was everywhere mocking me.

I threw the door open and ran outside into the cold night air, it hit my face and stung my wet cheeks.

His bike was still there and I stopped dead staring at it because Baby was parked exactly where he’d left it which didn’t make any sense at all. Where did he go? Why did he leave without his bike? Was he taking a breath?

“Jude!” I shouted, my voice breaking, looking around desperately at the empty street and the dark trees. “JUDE!”

Nothing answered me, just silence and cold.

“Jude, please,” I whispered to the empty night before going back inside because what else could I do, and I closed the door and just slid down it until I was sitting on the floor with my back against the wood, crying into my hands and feeling like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.

He was gone and it was all my fault, everything was always my fault, and those voices were right, I wasn’t good enough for him, wasn’t pretty enough, wasn’t anything enough and he’d realized it and left and I was alone again, always alone, always unwanted, and always wrong.

***

Jude

I ran back toward the university in wolf form, my paws pounding hard against the frozen ground and my mind was a mess of guilt and frustration and the overwhelming smell of my mate’s sadness that clung to me even as I ran.

When I reached my dorm building I stopped behind it where no one could see me and my body started convulsing before I was ready.

The shift was quick as I was naked and gasping on the cold ground behind the building.

I stood up on shaking legs and looked up at my window on the third floor, then started climbing up the side of the building using the brick ledges and the drain pipe.

When I reached my window, I shoved it open and pulled myself up, I landed on my floor with a soft thud.

River, who was sitting at his desk with headphones on, looked up, then jumped back so hard his chair nearly tipped over.

“Jesus, you scared me man!” he said, yanking his headphones off and staring at me as I stood there completely naked and breathing hard. “Dude, where the hell were you? Why are you naked? Are you okay? What happened?”

I didn’t answer him, couldn’t answer him, I just walked past River to my closet and grabbed the first clothes I saw, jeans and a shirt and I pulled them on with hands that wouldn’t stop shaking.

“Man, what happened? Do you need help? Should I call someone? Jude, talk to me, you’re freaking me out.”

“I have to go,” I said, my voice rough.

“Where?” River asked, standing up now, concerned all over his face.

I didn’t answer, I was already walking to the door and pulling it open.

“Jude, wait—” River called after me but I was gone, walking fast down the hallway and then down the stairs and out of the building.

I walked fast through campus and then started running once I hit the residential streets, heading back to her cottage because I needed to be near her, needed to make sure she was okay even though I knew she wasn’t okay because I’d left her without explanation and she was probably hurt and confused and thinking it was her fault when it wasn’t, it was never her fault.

I got close to her cottage and slowed down, stopping at the edge of her property and just staring at her door. I wanted to knock, wanted to go inside and hold her, and tell her it wasn’t her fault and try to explain what happened even though I didn’t know how to explain without telling her everything.

My hand raised toward the door then dropped back to my side because I couldn’t do it, couldn’t face her, what would I even say? How could I explain my eyes changing and my control slipping and the way I’d almost marked her without her consent and understanding what that meant?

I felt my wolf agitated and quickly removed my clothes, folded them before I shifted again. I stood on four legs, a massive dark wolf where a man had been standing just moments before, and I padded quietly to her doorstep on silent paws.

I pressed my nose against the crack under the door and breathed in and her scent hit me like a physical blow, tears and pain and sadness so thick and overwhelming it made my chest ache and my wolf whine inside me.

She was crying, I could smell the salt of her tears and the pain radiating off her in waves and it was because of me, I’d caused this, I’d hurt my mate.

My head tilted back and my throat worked and an agonizing howl wanted to leap out of me, a desperate mournful sound wanted to rip out of me from the pain of knowing my mate was suffering. But I choked it back, swallowed it down because I couldn’t let her hear it, couldn’t scare her any more than I already had.

Instead, a quiet whine escaped my throat, soft and pained and broken that I couldn’t stop it no matter how hard I tried.

I lay down on her doorstep right in front of her door, my large body curling in on itself tight with my head resting on my paws and my eyes squeezed shut. I could still smell her sadness seeping under the door, could hear the quiet sounds of her crying inside and my whole body stayed tense and coiled and hurting.

She was inside crying because of me and I was outside in wolf form unable to comfort her, unable to explain, unable to do anything but lie here and suffer with her while a door separated us.

What was I going to do now?

I didn’t have an answer, didn’t know how to fix this, didn’t know how to tell her the truth without losing her completely.