❗❗❗❗ Warning! Torture, self harm and suicide mentioned. ❗❗❗❗❗

I hate malls. Especially this one. It’s called Spellcasters mall. And surprise, surprise, it’s headed by witches. I mean there were humans in this mall but they were so oblivious. Magic was literally being performed in front of them and they were all like ’Oooooh. Check the special effects. ’ or ’Omg. I love how this mall can be like sooo realistic. ’ Now that was said by some teenage girl who was chewing gum like her life depended on it.

"Jenny. Can we please leave?" Eve asked. As promised, Jenny fed her. But only one pack of chips. That was two hours ago. I learnt a hungry Eve is an angry Eve.

"Yeah. This is the last store." Jenny said absentmindedly as she searched through clothes that were so pink I couldn’t see.

"That’s what she said ten stores ago." Caroline muttered.

I sighed. I wanted to scream and shake some sense into Jenny but I couldn’t. I’m mute. Jesus. I looked over the pink clothes to the store across. Goth Is Us. That was the name. All I saw inside was black, blue and purple. I stood up straight. That was my kind if store. I handed the bags in my hands to Caroline not taking my eyes away from the store.

I walked over, once I entered it smelt like roses and leather. I inhaled deeply. Damn. I walked over to the racks. Dresses, skirts, leather jackets, hoodies, all so dark and beautiful. I was gaping at the clothes. How had I not seen this store before?

"Welcome to my store.... blah, blah, blah... just pick shit and leave." I turned to see a girl. She had short midnight black hair with purple tips, a nose, lip, and other extra ear piercings.

She was so cool. My type of person. I looked back at the clothes. Time for a wardrobe change. I was picking off so many things from the racks. I didn’t need to try them on. I just needed them. I had over six piles. I was giving them all to the goth girl she had been packing then in bags for me. There were like twenty. I paid for the clothes with the money I came with. I smiled at the girl as she gave me my change. Before I left she grabbed my hand. Her eyes went all white and I was really freaked out.

"Do you have any wishes?" She asked. I shook my head. "It’s okay to wish for something. What do you wish for?"

I thought about it. Long and hard. I wanted to talk. It’s been so hard communicating while writing and texting. Why can’t I just open my mouth and speak without having a breakdown? It wasn’t fair.

"Here. Have a mint." She said.

I looked at the mint in her hand. It was aqua blue. As if I’m a trance. I picked it and put it in my mouth. I started sucking on it. It actually wasn’t that bad. I picked up my bags and walked out of the store.

"Gemma! Where the fuck have you been?" I looked behind me to see Jenny, Car and Eve. They looked distressed. I frowned.

"Don’t you frown at me young lady. Where were you? We’ve been looking for a whole ten minutes." Car said hands on her hips. I pointed at the store I just exited. Only too look and see there was nothing. What? The girls all turned to where I pointed.

"Freaking witches." Jenny muttered. "What did you get?" She asked eyeing the twenty plus bags I was carrying .

I smiled and opened one bag. She gasped.

"Are all these dark coloured and leather! Where’s the colour? Jesus help me." She asked. I rolled my eyes and walked in the direction of the car.

"Gemma. Gemma! Come back! We have to find clothes with more colour! Gemma! Bitch don’t ignore me! Urgh!" I heard the sound of footsteps following me.

At least I get out of the mall right? We packed up and entered the car. The girls chatted on the way home. I wanted to be like them too. To chat and seem not to have a care in the world. To seem I was perfectly fine but I was messed up in the head. To seem like there was no point in my life when I cut myself so deep so I could die, only to be brought back.

I am really smart. Doing senior calculus at the age of eight can do that to you. Stitching wounds, knowing the ways to stop eternal bleeding and knowing how to replace broken bones can do that to you. Taking care of all those who are able can do that to you. Being abused, can do that to you. But I know nothing of the world of werewolves. Not when we are supposed to have our first shift, I always thought it was at ten years old or something.

I wanted to know more about myself, my people but I couldn’t do that if I couldn’t fucking TALK! The mint in my mouth tingled, leaving a weird and soothing sensation in my throat. It was distracting. I didn’t want to tell Jenny but I wanted to cut. It had been so hard, being a house full of razors and sharp objects and not cutting. I was very tempted.

I wanted - no - I needed to cut soon. I could slowly wean myself out of it but not completely cut off. I looked at Jenny.

She worked with me so hard on my scars and I’m just going to do it all over again. I was letting her down. But we all had a cracking point. I guess this was mine.

"We are here! Come on let’s get the bags inside." Jenny said, hoping out of the car.

I followed her, grabbing my bags. We walked inside. I was greeted by the sight of my mate, arms folded across his chest, lips set in a firm line. Oh no! I looked at him. His arms were huge. When we hugged, they swallowed me and I loved it. His broad chest was just calling me to cuddle it.

Conner cleared his throat. "Gemma we need to talk." I sighed but nodded. I knew this was coming. I set my bags down on the floor and walked to the kitchen.

If I was going to be lectured and whatnot by Conner, I should at least have nutella. Maybe then, I’ll explain my shitty life better.

I walked over to the fridge and opened it. I looked for the nutella. I found it and opened it up. I used my finger to scoop out some of it.

Who needs a spoon? The goddess created fingers for a reason right?

I looked up only to find Conner, Jenny, Eve, Car, Jace and Ash. They were all standing in the kitchen, some seated on chairs looking at me in shock.

I wonder what’s wrong with them? Never seen a girl lick nutella off her fingers before?

Just to prove my point, I lifted the jar and stuck my finger in again. I licked nutella off it.

"Gemma.... you spoke." Conner said. I looked at him with frowned brows.

What?

"You did it again." Jenny said. I turned to her.

I lifted my hands to my mouth. No I di...

I felt my mouth move. Air was coming out of it. A vibration in my throat. I realized they were right. I talked.

My eyes widened. I dropped the tin of nutella. Chocolate spilled on the floor.

No no no no no no no. They would hear me. No noise. Shhhhh. No noise, no pain. No noise. No sound. Shut up. Please stop talking. Stop.

My mouth was still moving. Foreign sound in my ears. My own voice.

’Winter help me. I have to shut up. I have to. I have to. The pain. Make it stop. Only silence. Only silence.’ I told Winter. I was rambling. I sank to the floor. Hands around my knees and my head buried in them.

’It’s okay Gemma. You’re fine. We are fine. No one is going to get us.’ Winter said. I shook my head. They always find me. Always. I felt something run down my cheek. I touched it. It was water. I tasted something salty enter my mouth.

My breath was coming in short gasps of air. I figured it out. I was crying. For the first time in almost twelve years. I opened my mouth but only a sob came out.

Sob after sob wrecked my body. I was well aware of someone trying to touch me. I pushed them away. All of them. I was screaming and crying. I was never safe. It’s all because I can’t shut up. I need to shut up. I just need to. But no matter how hard I tried I only continued to sob. Sob and scream and push everyone trying to get close to me away.

I could already feel the whips on my back.

The daggers and knives in my skin.

The electricity burning in my veins.

The wolfsbane in my blood.

The broken bones sticking out of my skin. 𝑓𝑟𝑒𝘦𝓌𝑒𝑏𝑛𝑜𝘷𝑒𝘭.𝒸𝘰𝑚

The hurtful words in my brain.

The punches and kicks.

The disgusting hands touching me.

The metal spikes in the chair digging into my thighs.

The cigarette sticks burning my flesh.

The fire burning my skin.

The staples in my arms.

The forks, toothpicks, needles, pens and pencils in my skin.

The blows received to my head.

The suicidal ideas thrown at me.

The hot water running down my back.

The grumble in my stomach begging for food.

The rejection from my first mate.

The death of my mom.

The man with one eye. The one who tortured me the most.

All the memories of my torture, the worst parts of my life. One after the other. Worse and worse. All until I just couldn’t take it anymore. I want this to end. All of it. To just end. Soon, I found myself in a corner. I was trying to enter the wall. No one would find me there. No one. I could be free. I continued crying until darkness came to the edges of my vision and I was out like a light.