Violet

The door clicked shut behind me, and I couldn’t breathe.

I had waited till night fell and asked Rowan to let me return to my room alone. I had told him I was tired, that I wanted to rest, and that we could look at the stars another time.

He had looked at me with those knowing eyes, and I was certain he saw right through me. He was too smart not to. Too attuned to me not to notice the shift in my demeanour after he kissed my hand, and the way I couldn’t quite meet his gaze.

But he had let me go regardless.

Because that was who he was. Patient, understanding, and willing to give me space even when it hurt him.

And that made it so much worse.

The moment I was alone, my chest seized.

I gasped, my hand flying to my throat, but the air wouldn’t come. It was like something was pressing down on my lungs, squeezing tighter and tighter until I thought I might shatter.

My back hit the door and I slid down it, my legs giving out beneath me. I crumpled to the floor, my knees drawn to my chest, my fingers digging into the fabric of my dress.

The tears came before I could stop them.

They were not the quiet or dignified kind that could be wiped away and hidden.

These were ugly, wrenching sobs that tore from somewhere deep in my chest. My whole body shook with them, my breath coming in ragged, desperate gasps between each wave.

What was I doing?

What had I been doing this whole time?

I had been here for weeks. Weeks of wandering through Rowan’s castle, reading through his archives, sleeping in his bed, letting him hold me and kiss me and look at me like I was something precious.

Playing house and pretending I could just... stay.

Every day I remained here was another day I hurt him. Every soft look, every tender touch, every unspoken word he swallowed down, I was the cause of all of it. He was in love with me, and I couldn’t even tell him if I—

If I what?

If I loved him back?

The question made me sob harder, because the answer terrified me more than not knowing.

I was tired. So tired.

Tired of feeling guilty every time Rowan made me laugh, tired of the way my heart would swell when he looked at me, only to be crushed by shame a moment later, and tired of flinching when I realized I hadn’t thought about Kael in days, sometimes weeks.

I was tired of fighting something I was beginning to suspect I had already lost.

I was hurting Kael too by unnecessarily dragging this out.

All because of this fear of not subjecting anyone to the same rejection I had been subjected to.

I was hurting everyone.

And for what? Because I was too afraid to face my own feelings? Because I was too much of a coward to make a choice?

I pressed my palms against my eyes, trying to stop the tears, but they wouldn’t stop. They just kept coming, wave after wave, until my throat was raw and my chest ached.

I was a coward.

I had been a coward this whole time.

The pull now tugged deep in my chest, but it was stronger now. More insistent, like it knew I was finally ready to listen.

I lowered my hands and stared at the ceiling, my breath still coming in shaky gasps.

I couldn’t keep doing this.

I didn’t want to sit here, drowning in guilt and comfort, while the answers I needed were somewhere out there waiting for me.

Finishing this business with the pull and choosing would do us all good.

I needed to go.

I needed to find where the pull was leading me, and discover what it meant.

But how could I leave without Rowan knowing?

He would sense me through the bond if I got too far. Even though he had wolves everywhere, slipping through would not be so difficult for me due to my essence. And Bei... She would try to stop me.

I couldn’t let that happen.

I needed to do this alone.

If I brought anyone with me, I would be putting them in danger. I had seen what happened to Rowan when he tried to protect me. The venom, the fever, the days of not knowing if he would survive. I couldn’t risk that again, and Bei had family.

At the very least if I was captured, I wouldn’t be killed.

I could handle myself pretty well regardless.

This was my burden to bear.

I wiped my face with trembling hands, forcing myself to breathe properly.

The tears had stopped, but the ache in my chest remained.

I pushed myself up from the floor on unsteady legs and crossed to the window. I touched my grandmother’s pendant through the fabric of my dress, feeling its familiar weight against my chest.

The pull pulsed stronger, as if responding to my touch, and urging me forward.

I would have to plan for the next few days. The best window of opportunity would be when Rowan wasn’t around. I needed to go as far away as possible so he wouldn’t be able to catch up to me by the time he had realised it.

I closed my eyes, pressing my forehead against the cool glass of the window.

I was so scared.

[ - ]

I had wanted to see Rowan the following morning. I hadn’t been able to sleep and I had wanted to apologise for running off last night. But Ezra had told me Rowan had gone to sort out a few matters at the inner district of the capital near the beach.

I had been a bit relieved I didn’t have to face him that morning, but I had also felt sad.

I debated seeing Bei and talking to her too, but it didn’t seem entirely too appealing, and I didn’t want her to notice anything off about me even while speaking.

I would leave a note for Rowan.

Bei did not have to know when I left. It would be better that way so no fault would be placed on her upon my disappearance.