Si woo

I stood there like an idiot with my heart slamming against my ribs while Ye Jun bent over coughing and crying from the burn in his throat. Everything smelled sour and nasty and I knew I caused this. I jumped forward fast rubbing his back in circles the way I saw people do in videos once and I kept saying sorry over and over like the word could fix the mess on the floor. "I’m here, I’m right here," I muttered even though my stomach twisted because this was not me. I don’t do this. I don’t clean up puke and play nurse. But here I was doing exactly that.

Ye Jun stayed bent over breathing hard and I grabbed some paper towels from the kitchen without thinking. I wiped the hallway floor quickly trying not to gag myself because if I started throwing up too we would both be screwed. He slid down the wall until he sat there looking small and weak and totally humiliated. His eyes were red and wet and he wouldn’t look at me straight.

"Stay put," I told him. My voice came out rougher than I meant. I finished the floor then scooped him up because he could barely stand. He felt heavier than usual with the bump and I carried him to the bathroom like he might break. He grumbled the whole way but didn’t fight me much which told me how bad he felt.

In the bathroom I set him on the edge of the tub and ran warm water. I washed his face gently with a cloth then helped him rinse his mouth. "Open," I said and he did even though he glared at me. I brushed his teeth for him slowly and carefully because his hands shook too much. He spat and coughed again and I rubbed his back some more.

"This is your fault for kissing me like that when you know I’ve been nauseous," he snapped suddenly. His voice cracked but it still had that sharp edge I knew too well.

I didn’t argue back. I just nodded and kept cleaning him up. "Yeah. I know. I’m an idiot." Deep down I felt this heavy weight because I didn’t want any of this dad stuff. The baby moving last night scared the hell out of me more than I let on. But Ye Jun needed me right now and I would handle it. I had to.

After the bathroom I carried him to bed and piled extra pillows so he could stay sitting up. He looked pale and tired and I hated it. I brought a basin and set it right next to him. "Use this if it comes back," I said. Then I went to the kitchen and tried everything. Small sips of water first. He took one and kept it down for maybe two minutes before he lurched forward and threw up in the basin. I held it steady for him and wiped his mouth after.

"Try this," I said next and handed him ice chips. He sucked on a few but soon everything came back up again. I made ginger tea quickly even though I burned my finger on the kettle like a dumbass. He took a sip and made a face but kept it longer than the water. Then it came back too. I ran back and forth grabbing electrolyte drinks and cold crackers and plain rice I made super soft. Nothing stayed. Bananas got mashed and rejected. Applesauce lasted ten minutes then no. Sour candies I found in the back of a drawer made him gag harder.

"Everything tastes like regret and stomach acid," he muttered after the latest round. He tried to laugh but it sounded weak. "Congrats Woo. Your kid already hates me." 𝚏𝐫𝚎𝗲𝕨𝐞𝐛𝕟𝚘𝐯𝚎𝗹.𝕔𝐨𝗺

I forced a chuckle even though stress chewed at my guts. "Our kid. And it doesn’t hate you. It’s probably mad at me for stressing you out yesterday." I sat on the edge of the bed and watched him breathe slowly. My mind raced the whole time. This wasn’t me. I liked easy days and laughing and not worrying about tiny humans that could puke on everything. But looking at Ye Jun pale against the pillows I knew I couldn’t walk away. Not yet.

He tried water again later and it came right back up. I wiped his chin and he shoved my hand away half hearted. "Stop hovering. You’re making me feel like a sick kid."

"I’m not hovering. I’m helping," I shot back but I kept my tone light. Inside I felt like I might snap from the pressure. Work called me twice and I ignored it both times. I texted them quickly that something came up and I needed the day. They wouldn’t like it more like Dad wouldn’t like it but too bad.

Afternoon hit and Ye Jun looked completely drained after another big wave. He threw up so hard his eyes watered fresh and he curled on his side after. I climbed behind him careful and put my hand on the bump. I rubbed slow circles the way I hoped might calm things. "That flutter last night," I said quiet. "It felt real. Like really real."

Ye Jun stayed quiet a second then sighed. "I’m scared this much sickness means something’s wrong with the baby. What if it’s not okay because of me or because we fought or because I kissed you back too hard."

His voice got smaller at the end and it hit me right in the chest. I kept rubbing circles and pressed my face closer to his shoulder. "Nothing’s wrong. Babies make people puke. We’ll call the doctor if it gets worse. For now just rest." I didn’t believe my own words one hundred percent but I said them anyway. Stress sat on my shoulders heavy. I didn’t sign up for this dad fear but here it was every time the bump moved under my palm.

I left him resting after a while and handled the chores. I threw the dirty clothes in the laundry including the ones with vomit stains and I cleaned the hallway again just to make sure. I set up a whole nausea station on the nightstand with wipes and fresh basin and cold water and crackers. My phone buzzed with more work stuff and I ignored it again. This whole day felt like someone else’s life. I kept thinking how easy it would be to step back but every time Ye Jun made a small pained sound I went right back to him.

He woke up grumpy when I tried to make him eat a tiny bit of rice. "I’m not a child Si Woo. Stop pushing the spoon at me like I’m two."

"You threw up six times today. Eat the damn rice or I’ll call the doctor right now and let them poke you with needles." I held the spoon steady and raised my eyebrows at him.

He snatched it from me and took the smallest bite possible. "Happy? Bossy jerk." But he kept it down longer this time. We both watched his face waiting for the next disaster. When it didn’t come right away he gave me this tired sarcastic smile. "Look at you playing perfect husband. Deep down you’re probably counting the seconds until you can run."

I laughed even though it stung because he wasn’t totally wrong. "I’m here aren’t I? Stop reading my mind you pain in the ass." I ruffled his hair light and he swatted my hand but he didn’t look as mad.

Mid afternoon we hit a small breakthrough. I found some peppermint oil in the cabinet and rubbed a tiny bit on his wrists after reading about it quick on my phone. I also dug out those acupressure bands I bought weeks ago when we first found out. He let me put them on even though he complained the whole time. "These look stupid. I look stupid. This whole thing is stupid."

"Yeah well you look cute stupid," I said back fast and he rolled his eyes but the corner of his mouth twitched. We tried tiny bites every twenty minutes like clockwork. Crackers. Then a sip of lemon water. Then more crackers. He stayed still and for the first time all day nothing came back up. His face got a little color back.

"No way," he said when ten minutes passed then twenty. "Did your witch remedies actually work?"

I grinned even though exhaustion pulled at me. "Told you I’m useful. Victory. We should celebrate with more plain rice."

He snorted and it almost sounded like a real laugh. "Celebrate by shutting up and sitting here. My stomach is finally not trying to exit my body."

I stayed with him the whole time talking about random stuff to keep his mind off it. He complained about the smell of my cologne triggering him earlier so I went and washed it off quick and changed shirts. When I came back he sniffed me and nodded. "Better. You smell like boring soap now but at least I won’t puke on you again."

"Good because I like this shirt," I joked and he shoved my shoulder weak but playful. Stress still gnawed at me every quiet second. I didn’t want the dad title. The responsibility. The forever change. But Ye Jun leaned on me today and I couldn’t let him down. Not while he looked this tired and small.

Evening came and the nausea finally eased like it got tired of fighting us. Ye Jun said he felt steady enough to move to the couch so I helped him walk there slow. We settled in with him half lying on me and I grabbed his shoulders first giving them a gentle massage. My thumbs worked the tight spots and he made this small relieved sound that loosened some of the stress in my own chest.

"Lower," he mumbled after a minute.

I moved my hands down his back rubbing carefully around the bump. Then I shifted so I could reach his feet and I massaged them one at a time pressing into the sore parts. He sighed heavily and closed his eyes. "Don’t stop. This is the only good part of today."

I kept going even though my hands started to ache. "I’ll do this every day if it helps. Just don’t puke on my lap okay?"

He cracked one eye open and gave me that sarcastic look I knew so well. "No promises. Your baby likes to make me suffer."

"Our baby," I corrected softly and kept rubbing his feet. He didn’t argue this time. We stayed like that on the couch with the TV off and the house quiet except for our breathing. I felt worn out and stressed and nothing like my usual self but I stayed right there massaging his shoulders and back and feet again when he asked. Deep down the fear sat heavy but for today I pushed it aside. Ye Jun needed this and I gave it.

He shifted closer after a while and rested his head on my chest. "You’re still the worst for yesterday," he said but his voice lacked the real bite.

"I know," I answered and kissed the top of his head. "But I’m here today. We’ll figure the rest out tomorrow."

The sun went down outside and we didn’t move much. My hands kept working slow on his tired body and for a few minutes the stress felt a little smaller. Not gone. Just smaller. Ye Jun breathed steadily against me and I held on wondering how long I could keep doing this before the part of me that didn’t want to be a dad started winning. But right then I pushed that thought away hard and focused on the massage and the quiet and the guy who needed me even if I wasn’t sure I was ready.