(BL) Taming the Field Guide-Chapter 130: Forgiveness does not come easily, but understanding does

Silence hung between them for a long, heavy moment. Rhys still wasn’t looking into Kellen’s eyes, his head hung heavily as Kellen sat, staring at him. The proud, confident man that Kellen was used to was gone, replaced with a man who knew that he had done something bad.

Something he shouldn’t have, and the worst part? He had done it to Kellen. Him. The man that Rhys swore up and down that he loved. Cared for.

One of the words that Rhys had said stuck with Kellen. Best. Rhys had wanted to tell him in the best way. Whatever the hell that had meant, and now here they were. In a conference room, alone, Rhys was sweating like he was a sinner in church and Kellen feeling hollow and numb because the man he was dating, had tied himself to, had kept something so big and important from him. Had asked the others to keep this from him too.

Kellen couldn’t stop the big, fat tears that fell from his eyes. He felt the eye patch soak with his tears as they fell silently. It wasn’t until the tears hit their joint hands that Rhys flinched. His head jerked up, his body twisting with pain as he realised that Kellen was shaking, his body convulsing with the force of the tears.

As soon as Rhys noticed, it got worse. The soft gasp from his lips turned into a sob and Rhys was there.

He yanked Kellen towards him, practically picking up Kellen with his whole body and pulling him into his lap. Kellen wanted to refuse the touch. Wanted to protest it on principle since the man had lied to him and withheld the truth from him.

However, he was also...Rhys. There was no one else who he wanted to get this kind of comfort from. It was a complicated feeling. Being angry and sad at the man who had put him in this position while also wanting him to be the one to comfort him.

Rhys tucked Kellen’s head against his chest, his hand forcing Kellen’s head against his shoulder and under his chin. He held him like he was precious, protecting him. Kellen could hear how quickly his heart was racing even from his position, the pulse under his skin fast and healthy. Kellen cried harder.

There were signs. There had always been signs that Kellen’s body was changing, but the poison and his own injuries had hidden that from him. Kellen had just been intentionally ignorant to the changes. And...others had kept it from him.

Who had noticed outside of Rhys? Who had kept this from him? Why did it feel like his heart was breaking even more because of that? God, had it been so obvious that even Charlie had noticed? Had Brent? Had Casper? Was that another reason why he was avoiding him? Would even Gunther notice?

Even though this was the first day that Kellen had been allowed to see him since he’d been brought back? Had his Mom noticed? Had Gwen noticed in the damn gate? There were so many questions, so many new worries that Kellen felt overwhelmed.

He just continued to cry in Rhys’ arms, his sobs shaking his body and his tears soaking into Rhys’ shirt.

Kellen didn’t know for how long he cried, just that it felt like his soul was shaky and vulnerable once he finished. He felt weak in a way that he hadn’t felt since he’d first come out of the gate. Like a newborn fawn, his limbs trembling delicately like he was going to collapse at any moment.

That was when he registered the soft, painful-sounding words that Rhys was whispering out loud. Apologies. Rhys was whispering apologies to Kellen this whole time. Kellen felt like he was going to cry all over again.

"Stop." Kellen’s voice was rough, ragged and Rhys’ mouth shut. "Just...stop." Kellen told him and Rhys shook.

"I know I messed up. I should apologise." Rhys whispered and Kellen felt his lips curl up into a cruel smile.

"Rhys, you said it yourself. You can’t force an S Class to do something they don’t want to do." Kellen told him and felt the man flinch once more. "Who was going to convince you to not do this?" Kellen asked, giving Rhys a lot more grace then he knew the man deserved. Rhys shuddered.

"Don’t forgive me so easily." Rhys begged. "Please. I feel like more of a monster for keeping this from you, and for forcing the others not to tell you. Taylor was ready to kill me when I told her to keep it from you. So was Hill. They all knew I was digging myself a grave, and even...Even Sergei can tell." Rhys whispered. Kellen could feel how the man swallowed, his throat working as guilt ate the man alive.

Kellen lay in his arms, his eyes hot and swollen, his eye patch soaked with his tears and sticking to his skin. He had to reach up and push it up. It was too annoying at the moment.

"Sergei noticed?" Kellen asked, almost amused. Rhys groaned, leaning back in his chair, taking Kellen with him.

"He would have hit me if we weren’t about to do a rescue mission." Rhys admitted. "I could feel it. He was lecturing me about keeping things from you, and even so much as said that he would never do the same to Brent." Rhys muttered. Kellen found it a little strange that he would say that, especially when Kellen knew that in their position, the roles were reversed.

Brent was the one with all the secrets, like Rhys, while Kellen was like Sergei. Kellen let out a soft sigh.

"I hope he remembers that when Brent doesn’t tell him everything right away." Kellen said softly, then he made a face. "I’m going to look terrible when going back into that damn room." Kellen muttered, frowning further. "I don’t want to look bad in front of them." Kellen admitted. Rhys let out a soft sigh.

"Then they don’t have to look at you. I’ll carry you in, you can stay tucked up in my arms and no one has to see how you look right now. I’ll protect you. Even from myself." Rhys admitted. "I know you don’t want me to apologise again, but I really am sorry, Kellen. I never wanted you to cry like this. It...It breaks my heart. I thought you were going to curse me out and hit me." Rhys admitted and Kellen was horrified.

"Why would I hit you?" Kellen asked, horrified. "I would never do such a thing! I’m more upset about the fact that you didn’t think to tell me about what was going on. That you kept everything from me. I’m not going to hit you over something like that. I would never do that." Kellen told him and Rhys squeezed him tightly in his arms.

"Sorry. That wasn’t...I..." He trailed off, before sighing heavily. "That was just my own stuff getting involved." Rhys muttered and Kellen, even when he was sad and angry and upset, felt his heart squeeze.

"I would never do such a thing. I know that you and Gunther had a rather rough upbringing, Rhys, but even in my angriest moment, I would never do that." Kellen told him. Even when he was upset with him, he would always comfort him in this. Rhys shivered.

"I know. I know that, I just...I recover quickly, you know?" Rhys joked, but Kellen didn’t find it funny. "Anyways, let’s get you cleaned up, hmm? I can’t do much about your eyes but-" Rhys sounded like he was choking for a moment. "M-Maybe at some point, you can learn how to reverse time on your own body?" He tried to sound like he was joking, light-hearted, but it didn’t quite work. He was too emotional, too worked up to be able to pull it off.

It sounded to Kellen that he was more upset about Kellen having powers similar to his own than he was about Kellen becoming an S Class.

"What upsets you more? The fact that I’m an S Class Guide, or that I have developed powers similar to yours?" Kellen decided to ask, since not asking wouldn’t get him anywhere. Rhys answered without hesitation.

"The fact that you have powers similar to my own." He said. "No, not similar, you have my own powers, including the fucked up side effects. That part hurts me the most. I should be able to help you, I’m supposed to be able to help you, but now I understand how helpless the others who had my powers felt. They couldn’t help me either, only offering condolences when I came to them. I hate this." Rhys whispered. "I just want to be the right Esper for you. I want to protect you, and yet all I do is fuck this up." Kellen hugged him, his heart aching for him and for Rhys.

"It’ll be okay." Kellen said, and he wasn’t lying. Yeah, he was angry, he was upset. He felt disrespected by Rhys, but it would never be enough to chase him away from the other man. After all, yeah, Rhys had kept something from Kellen, but...he’d been alone for a long fucking time. He was used to being crazy, he was used to being alone. Even when he had Gunther at his side, those two had such shitty communication that Gunther thought love was abuse. He was used to keeping things to himself.

So while Kellen was pissed at the man, angry, and frustrated, he also knew that Rhys felt fucking terrible. If Kellen had reacted with anger, he wasn’t so sure that Rhys would feel as bad as he did. The fact that Kellen had burst into tears probably helped Rhys feel the full weight of how terribly he fucked up.

Kellen normally didn’t burst into tears. He didn’t exactly consider what he was going through normal at the moment, and it was clear that Rhys didn’t either. Was it bad of Kellen to even consider using this moment against Rhys?

Yeah, but in the same breath that Kellen was going to blame his potentially new found power level on his tears, he was also going to blame his conniving nature on the same thing.

"You aren’t going to do something that is going to make me cry these kinds of tears again, are you?" Kellen asked softly, tilting his head back so that Rhys had to look down at him. He was drawn to do so. Rhys flinched, catching the full brunt of Kellen’s crying, swollen face. His nose was red, his eyes were swollen, and his injured eye was cloudy, unseeing. All Kellen could see out of it was the vague shape of Rhys’ head, and that was about it.

Rhys’ face crumbled and he bent, burying his face into Kellen’s shoulder.

"I want to promise, I want to swear that I won’t do that, but I also don’t want to lie. You’re my everything, Kellen. My whole world. I would not exist on this plane without you, but I’m dumb. I’m so damn stupid and useless. I’m sure I’ll fuck up again. No, I can practically see it already." His arms shook as he held Kellen and Kellen let out a slow, heavy breath.

His heart ached that his plan didn’t work the way that he wanted it to. That he didn’t get the promise that he wanted from Rhys, but this reaction was almost just as good. Kellen rubbed his face against the side of Rhys’, showing him affection even as his chest ached.

"You’re using your powers to see if you’ll fuck up again, aren’t you?" Kellen asked softly and Rhys let out a loud, harsh laugh.

"Always. I’m always checking." Rhys admitted. "I love you, Kellen. I love you so much it makes me a damn fool. Please forgive me for my idiocy. You don’t have to do it now. You don’t even have to do it this week, this month or hell, even this year. Just...please forgive me at some point." Rhys begged. "I can’t live if you never forgive me." Rhys hesitated. "And...please go get tested with me too. I know it would make you feel better if you did, and it would make everyone else feel better too." Like that, Rhys had made Kellen’s relaxing body tense up like he was on damn trial.

The man should have kept his mouth shut.