Eighteen's Bed-Chapter 29.3

※ But sometimes, he’s kind to me. Only to me. Sometimes.

※ It’s probably just his personality.

Do I really want to be thinking about this right now?

But when reality comes crashing in, the mind has a way of escaping into pointless thoughts.

So I hit an imaginary backspace key on the information that no doubt lay behind the dark screen.

7. Go [redacted] does bad things sometimes.

※ The observer assumes he doesn't know how to gauge the intensity of his pranks. He might not even realize some of them are bad.

※ Probably because of his fucked-up family situation.

"Go Yohan, you poor son of a bitch."

I let the tears continue to fall as I stared at the still-lit message on my phone.

When I thought about it my own way, it wasn’t such a bad thing.

Between that lady and me, I was the powerless one. So of course, she would make a threat while acting subservient.

Who knows what my parents had told her?

Yeah, aside from love, I’ve always been pretty lucky.

I brushed the tears clinging to my chin away with my fingertips. Then I pressed the keyboard firmly.

The first message I sent was a reply to the lady.

"Do you like seafood?"

Then, after wiping my nose, I typed out a message to my parents.

"I'm doing well, Mom. The lady packed me some side dishes, and they were really delicious. Out of all the people who’ve worked at our house, I like her the most. She takes good care of me, so don’t worry too much. Have a safe trip."

Send. Send. Send.

I hit the button aggressively three times before tossing my phone near the laptop. The screen, which had slid across the desk, glowed brightly.

"She has a mild allergy to crustaceans. The chairman of that house is the one who likes seafood."

"……."

The bright screen dimmed. Then, just a few seconds later, it lit up again.

"I'm really sorry."

I stared at the screen blankly until it finally went dark again. Then, as if collapsing, I buried my face into the dining table.

The tears didn’t dry up. But I didn’t rub them away.

Because I didn’t want Go Yohan to find out I had been crying.

****

Idiot.

When I woke up, it was 8 PM.

It was exactly 8 PM. January 30th, 8 PM.

I was an idiot for even thinking about cooking something for Go Yohan.

He was richer than me.

No matter what I gave him, he’d probably just sneer and say, "I could buy this myself. You're poorer than me, anyway."

And in the end, I hadn’t made him anything.

"I’m screwed."

My throat was dry and cracked from all the crying. I lightly pressed my fingers against my swollen eyes. At least I had the excuse of having just woken up.

"Yeah, you really screwed up."

I stopped breathing for a second.

That cold voice pierced the back of my head.

I hadn't done anything wrong, but I broke out in a cold sweat.

Creaking, I twisted my body, which had been facing the window.

Leaning against my bed frame, a cake box balanced on his thighs, Go Yohan sat staring at the cake with a chilling gaze.

And on top of his head sat a ridiculous party hat—silver with shimmering fur.

"What the hell are you wearing?"

"My birthday party."

"……."

"Not that it matters. It's already ruined."

The party horn clamped between his lips made a weird, stretched-out noise before snapping back.

I had no idea where to look. Awkwardly, I sat up.

Pwoo~!

Go Yohan blew into the party horn again.

The cheap little toy looked absurd against his sharp, well-defined features.

Fidgeting, I hesitated before reaching out and grabbing the end of the party horn.

Then I tugged—just hard enough.

The tip of the horn stretched along with Go Yohan’s lips before finally popping free with a light snap.

Now free, his mouth moved however it pleased.

"Why did you do it?"

I had my reasons.

But I couldn't open my mouth to say them.

My voice was too hoarse.

Still, I wanted to ask him the same thing.

Why was he sitting here like that on my birthday?

"Why’d you ruin my fantasy?"

Oh.

That’s what this was about.

I cleared my throat and carefully tried to speak.

"I'm sorry."

"That's it? 'Sorry'?"

"No, I mean, I had my reasons."

"Sure. Whatever. Happy birthday."

No, that wasn’t it.

The conversation was going in the wrong direction again.

Half-lidded, I studied the situation.

Go Yohan raised a brow, then pulled off the strange party hat.

I kept watching him through my half-open eyes.

Go Yohan met my gaze with unwavering confidence and, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, placed the hat on my head.

He moved so smoothly that I didn’t even have time to stop him.

A few seconds later, I hurriedly grabbed the hat and pulled it off.

In the process, the rubber strap snapped against my chin, and I tumbled into the blankets.

"Ah—ow."

"I wasn’t trying to be funny."

Go Yohan’s voice was completely serious.

I hadn’t been trying to be funny, either.

The drowsiness still hadn’t left my head.

My mind felt stuffed with a giant, floating bubble instead of a brain.

Dark blue and orange from the evening sky seeped into my blankets.

Today was Go Yohan’s birthday.

The weather was beautiful.

But I felt like shit.

So I didn't respond to anything he said.

I was never the expressive type to begin with.

Should I say it? Should I not?

Inside my floating bubble of thought, indecision bobbed up and down.

Finally, I made my choice.

Don’t say anything.

And that choice was because of Go Yohan.

More specifically, because of the way he kept teasing the strap of the party hat against my chin, as if this was the most fun he’d had all day.

Why should I burden him with my problems?

The thing with that lady was my own mess to deal with.

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"I'm sorry. That wasn’t my intention."

I could only say I was sorry.

Go Yohan, seeing my expression, gave me a slightly confused look before gently patting the back of my head with his large hand. It was a gesture that didn’t quite fit.

"A few days ago, wasn’t it? I was sleeping so soundly."

"Yeah."

"A vision came down."

Go Yohan raised one hand and lowered his shoulder in a strange pose. I shouldn’t have asked.

"You're finally going crazy."

"Bring the bread, say a prayer, and then share it with a twenty-year-old boy, prepare the meat just as he wants. Then the rainbow will appear between the clouds, and I will remember the eternal covenant made between me and all the creatures with blood on the earth."

It was the style of the Bible, something you’d hear in any church. After that, a series of unsettling words followed that would typically end with “In the name of Lord Jesus Christ.” But the face of Go Yohan reciting these sacred words was not one of holiness; rather, it looked almost like sacrilege, an unbeliever mocking the sacred.

His face, decorated like a snake, smiled as if offering an apple. Go Yohan's actions were like a tempting, shiny apple.

"Don’t say that. It’s weird."

"The twenty-year-old boy, is he one of twenty boys, or is he a twenty-year-old boy? While I was trying to figure that out, three days passed. It was too difficult. Religion is hard."

"Are you serious, or is this a joke?"

"It's a joke, dumbass. Do you believe this?"

Paha. A clear gust of wind burst from Go Yohan’s mouth. By now, the cake he’d brought was lying on the bed, box and all, completely crushed. But Go Yohan didn’t care that the cake was ruined. He didn’t even seem to notice.

In the room, with darkness creeping in, Go Yohan picked up the party horn that had fallen somewhere on the bed. He placed it between his fingers as if it were a cigarette and blew on it, exhaling like he was blowing smoke. Pwoo~. The noise was loud and obnoxious, but his face remained eerily calm and cold. The inflated end of the party horn hit my cheek, and I instinctively closed my eyes.

Without using his hands, Go Yohan dropped the party horn simply by parting his lips. With half-opened eyes, I saw him slightly bite his lip, and then he squinted one of his nostrils.

"You ruined the cake."

"How is that my fault?"

"Just because."

He was so unpredictable. Really.

I lifted my eyelids, which had slowly sunk, and in that moment, Go Yohan stretched out his arms in front of me, pressing his body against the blanket. His gloomy face came dangerously close to mine.

"Do you need a gift?"

"Am I supposed to receive it? You should be the one to get one."

"I don’t really want anything. I just want to give you something."

"...Why?"

"You didn’t get to celebrate my birthday. I was out of it, and I was... distracted."

How many people would actually get used to Go Yohan’s erratic behavior? This confusing speech of his was both his worst habit and his best talent. Sometimes, people are drawn so strongly to someone completely incomprehensible that they’d gladly give up their life. It’s like space itself.

"Usually, you choose a saint's name for your Catholic baptism based on the saint who was born on your birthday."

"Yeah."

"You choose a name to honor that saint, a name you’ll carry for life."

"...Really?"

"But I can’t choose 'Kang Jun' for my saint’s name."

"...?"

"I want to give you my birthday."

Now that I thought about it, Go Yohan’s eyes reminded me of the universe. Light, gaseous clouds wrapped around his body, swirling with a black core at its center. In fact, Go Yohan was like a planet made of gas. Too massive to approach, and the moment you tried, you’d be sucked into the crushing gravity where there’s no ground to stand on. It was like the Saturn in Go Yohan’s eyes, capable of melting and destroying anything in its path.

I swallowed as I stared into Go Yohan’s eyes, where I could faintly see my own reflection.

"Did you, by any chance, prepare a gift for me?"

"Do you want one?"

"No."

It didn’t matter whether there was a gift or not. I was sure Go Yohan had prepared one for me, but I intentionally threw myself out of the conversation. My mouth hurt, so I must have looked like I was smiling.

There was no special reason for it. I just wanted to mess with Go Yohan. Out of pure, innocent spite. That was all.

And, on top of that, words that a good kid would say slipped from my lips.

"Why would I accept a gift from you? I have no shame. I couldn’t even prepare for your birthday. Someone like me should die. I’m not worthy to meet you."

"Hmm."

Go Yohan nodded in response, his posture remaining like that of a dog. It looked so much like a dog that it made me uncomfortable. It wasn’t a human posture. It was definitely a dog’s posture.

I grabbed Go Yohan’s shoulder and gently pushed him up, then continued.

"So just forget about me. I don’t want the gift, I’ll just reflect."

"Aha."

"I’m sorry."

"Jun-ah."

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to die?"

"……."

As I pushed him away, Go Yohan furrowed one eyebrow.

"Just say yes while I’m being nice."

"If I knew you were like this, your friends would freak out and run away."

"What? Let them run away."

"Seriously, I don’t get why a guy like you is so popular."

"Why don’t you get it? It’s because I’m rich and handsome."

"……."

How the hell do I deal with this guy?

As I clenched my fist slightly, Go Yohan, still kneeling on the bed, leaned in and whispered softly.

"But I’m not actually that popular."

"What?"

Sorry, but based on what I’ve heard, I can’t agree with that. I gave a teasing smile, just enough to make it look like I wasn’t fully convinced. Go Yohan turned his body to the side, looking like something didn’t sit right with him.

"I’m serious. I wasn’t popular at all."

"Yohan, stop lying."

"Ah, it's unfair. I was everyone's boyfriend back in middle school, you know."

"Hey, what did you just say?"

Suddenly, the thread of reason snapped.

What the hell is Go Yohan saying right now? It felt like I had just been slapped across the face. Was what he just said even appropriate to say to me? I don’t think so. The pain of a needle poking at my temple suddenly surged.

While I was still somewhat flustered, Go Yohan, completely unfazed, just kept laughing at my reaction and spoke.

"When girls walked by, I was the one who always got to say, ‘Hey, there goes your boyfriend.’"

"You’re just spitting random stuff because you think I wouldn’t know."

"I’m serious. After that, I definitely heard, ‘Do you want to die? He’s your boyfriend, right?’"

Lies. It was definitely a lie, but Go Yohan’s expression was so clear and sincere, as if he didn’t know what lying was. So, of course, I had to doubt myself. It couldn’t be true, but... maybe, just maybe, it could have been.

I hesitated, my lips trembling, and carefully asked,

"Go Yohan, were you... overweight in middle school?"

"Jun-ah, I’ve never been ugly in my life."

"Then why?"

"I don’t know. Maybe it’s because my personality was crap. I had a terrible adolescence for three years."

"……."

Well... Go Yohan’s adolescence... still seems like it’s not over yet...

But Go Yohan seemed to think otherwise. He smiled faintly, as if he had already grown up, and patted his chest. He even hummed a little tune, looking content.

"I got beaten up a lot in middle school, but once I entered high school, I calmed down. I grew up."

"You got beaten up?"

At his sudden statement, I reflexively leaned toward Go Yohan.

"You got beaten up?"

The first part of what I had heard vanished into thin air, like wind scattering it, and only the latter part remained in my mind. At that moment, Go Yohan’s fingers, which had been brushing his neck, suddenly stopped. He looked at me, laughing louder, and then said in a casual tone,

"Don’t make a fuss. I got beaten with hot kisses. ‘You’re my lovely son,’ they said."

Go Yohan repeated the ridiculous act of blowing a kiss into the air. It was nonsense, and I knew for sure it was a lie. I trembled slightly in shock, my lips quivering, but it was also from the heat rising inside me. Sweat gathered in my tightly clenched fists. I was so angry I couldn’t control it.

It was true.

I often remembered the way Go Yohan behaved like a dog tamed by his father. The "Go Yohan from the unpopular days" was an impossible phrase. The subject of "Go Yohan" could never be unpopular. Similarly, "Go Yohan" and "fear" could never be attached. After all, Go Yohan was a madman who once pulled out his own teeth with his bare hands for a performance.

"Seriously, why are you like this?"

But Go Yohan, still lying on the bed, just chuckled like it was nothing. I couldn’t relax my expression, and before I knew it, Go Yohan’s hand, which had been rubbing my ankle, spoke in a calm tone.

"Jun-ah, if I don’t worry about myself, why do you worry about me?"

"Because it’s obvious, you idiot."

"You know."

Go Yohan cut me off, still wearing that cool, serene expression.

"I will never lose."

I’ve never lost. There’s no defeat in my life. I’m the kind of person who will win by any dirty means necessary. His light-colored eyes, which felt especially cold, were speaking.

I swallowed and nodded, but I immediately objected.

"But—"

Sometimes, there are facts you don’t want to admit, but you have to face them. Go Yohan and his father are one of those facts. I still find it uncomfortable to think about Go Yohan’s father. I don’t think I resemble him, but every now and then, when I hear his voice, see his mannerisms, or catch his tone, I feel like they overlap for a moment.

I rested my arms over my knees and, as I did, Go Yohan’s hand slid down to my ankle. I glanced at his fingers, then looked up at him, locking eyes.

"Your father."

"My father?"

"Yeah."

There are times when I can understand why Gorosa says Go Yohan is the most beloved child. Parents are always drawn to the child who resembles them the most. Despite all the pressure, they can never truly let go of that child. Just like Go Yohan’s father, who can’t stop holding on to him, even while trying to suppress him.

"Your parents."

Could Go Yohan overcome a father who uses his most similar child as a racehorse? How? I still don’t have an answer. That’s why I ended up questioning myself.

But Go Yohan didn’t seem unsettled by my words. It was as though he had complete confidence.

"That’s why I won’t lose."

"On what basis?"

I asked out of genuine curiosity, but strangely, I found myself chuckling in response to Go Yohan’s certainty. He spoke with such confidence that it almost made sense. Honestly, I was intrigued. I focused on him, and Go Yohan squinted his eyes and grinned.

"Don’t you know? The saying that no child can defeat their parents. Do you know what that means? It means I’ll never lose. Once a parent decides to have a child, their life is already headed toward defeat."

Ridiculously, Go Yohan’s answer was always rooted in dog-like logic. His sharp face quickly disappeared under the covers. Between the stirring blankets, I could see his eyes still watching me, and his grin was pure confidence.

"The moment my father had me, his destiny was already set toward losing."

Go Yohan’s shoulder, half-visible under the blanket, slowly rose and fell. His partially revealed face was speaking of his reasoning. He was laughing so hard he made a sound.

"I will always win."

"You’re talking nonsense again."

"You can’t ignore the wisdom of our ancestors, Jun-ah. After all, these are words passed down through a long history. Surely, they can’t be smarter than us?"

What ridiculous nonsense. But strangely, laughter burst from me. I couldn’t even believe that I was laughing at such nonsense. I tried to hide my smile with the back of my hand, but it was no use.

As Go Yohan sat up from where he had been lying, he looked at me and began to laugh with me. The funny thing was, he seemed just as bewildered as I was.

"What’s so funny that you’re grinning like that?"