From CEO to Concubine-Chapter 204: Home Sweet Home

"What do you mean you don’t know why he won’t wake up? If you can’t find the reason, find someone who can! Or do the imperial coffers pay for the salary of the imperial medical bureau just so you can all tell this sovereign not a single one of you has any idea what’s going on?!"

Loud. Yan Zheyun’s consciousness filtered back in, tuning in to the yelling that echoed in his skull with a painful throbbing. Why was Liu Yao shouting? It was rare to hear him raise his voice like this.

"Please quell your anger, Your Majesty! This old subject has already examined Fengjun’s phoenix body and can exclude any unnatural causes of his unconsciousness, such as poisons or trauma to the head. Fengjun is also in good health, his constitution much improved since the last time he had a check. As such, this old subject really cannot determine any factors contributing to his prolonged lack of responsiveness...Your Majesty, it’s almost as if Fengjun is just in a very deep sleep."

"A deep sleep." A bark of harsh, incredulous laughter made Yan Zheyun’s heart twinge. "If this sovereign’s empress doesn’t wake up, how many of us should accompany him in burial (1), you think?"

"These subjects are incapable! We humbly beg for Your Majesty’s forgiveness!"

...how long had he been out for that he had left Liu Yao this close to hysterics? For him to dissolve into unreasonable tyranny, to ask for the imperial medical bureau to accompany Yan Zheyun in death, Liu Yao must be at his wit’s end.

Yan Zheyun struggled to open his eyes. His eyelids felt like they had been glued shut, his arms heavy like lead, and it was a colossal feat to struggle against that inertia. But Liu Yao wasn’t thinking straight at the moment and he had to be stopped before he committed any mistakes that he couldn’t undo.

Ah Yao.

He tried to speak but his mouth wouldn’t open. He wished Liu Yao could hear him, hear how every fibre in his body screamed for him to just stop yelling at the poor old men and come over and see him, wasn’t he so much more interesting—

"...A—Yao."

The room fell deathly silent.

"Ah Yao."

Yan Zheyun’s words were the softest of whispers but no one missed it. Frantic footsteps approached him. He could hear the rustling of gauzy curtains being pushed aside before a hand, large, warm, and calloused in the way a military man’s would be, cupped his cheek.

It was like a spell had been broken. Yan Zheyun’s eyelashes fluttered open for a second before they squeezed firmly shut again, tears pearling at the corners of his eyes as the candlelight pricked at them.

"Cao Mingbao! It’s too bright, blow out some candles!" Liu Yao was hovering just above him now. He could feel Liu Yao’s hand trembling—no, actually, Liu Yao’s entire body was shaking, fingers sweeping over Yan Zheyun’s face like he couldn’t believe Yan Zheyun was moving again, no longer the immobile statue that had lain ominously in calm repose as though he was ready to be escorted to his tomb. "Ah Yun, my Ah Yun. Can you hear me?"

Yan Zheyun managed a small nod. The sensations were creeping back into his body and he realised that he didn’t feel too poorly for someone who had embarked on an impromptu trip to the underworld and back.

Back with more than he’d started with.

The migraine that was pounding on his temples with a vengeance was probably the side effect of the memories of the other lives he’d led. They had come back with too much alacrity, rushing into his brain in a torrential flood and vying with each other for space and importance. Much like how Yan Yun’s life experiences had entered his mind without warning when he’d first transmigrated, he now had an even clearer picture knowing that once upon a time, a part of him had been Yan Yun, had experienced all the ups and downs of the Yan Family’s fall from grace, had gone through the turmoil of spending his formative years as a slave in the Wu Household. That part of him had returned now.

As had the part of him that had been Yun Zheyan.

Yun Zheyan, courtesy name Ziyu. Liu Yao hadn’t been using him as a substitute. Liu Yao had recognised him at a time when he hadn’t recognised himself.

He couldn’t decide if that was more touching or heartbreaking.

"Ah Yao," he called once more. Lips pressed against his forehead and he sighed, relishing in the touch of the lover he hadn’t realised he’d lost once before. It was hard, with all these conflicting emotions warring within him. He couldn’t tell where ’Yan Zheyun’ was, where ’Yun Ziyu’ started, where ’Yan Yun’ ended. The poison that had seared his insides, taken on the night of Liu Yao’s wedding to the daughter of the Li Family, still made his stomach churn. The loud clanging when the soldiers broke open the main gates of the Yan Estate to seize the prime minister’s family still resounded in his ears. Futility, loss, hatred, resentment, these feelings were real.

But so were the ones he kept of the happier times.

"I wish to send a letter to the person in my heart. But the mountains are tall and the rivers unending; where does he reside now that we are apart?" (2)

Liu Yao went stiff against him. This was expected. There would have been gentler ways to break the news to Liu Yao that his Ziyu had come back to him but Yan Zheyun didn’t want to wait anymore. Without remembering the youth he’d shared with Liu Yao, he’d watched as a third party as Liu Yao struggled to move on, heard all the rumours about His Majesty’s obsession with his dead lover and seen for himself as Liu Yao had second and third-guessed all the newfound happiness he’d experienced with Yan Zheyun.

If there were any lingering doubts left in Liu Yao’s heart as to whether moving on with someone he thought might be the reincarnation of his Ziyu was a good idea, Yan Zheyun wanted to clarify it for him immediately.

Also, he was done being jealous of himself.

"...Ah Yun?"

He could hear the uncertain note in Liu Yao’s voice. Now that the candles had been dimmed by thicker lanterns, he could open his eyes again. The first thing he saw was Liu Yao’s face, pale, haggard, with dark circles under his eyelids that showed how exhausted he was. Liu Yao’s eyes were wide-blown in disbelief but in them was a glimmer of childlike hope that hurt to look at.

After so many years, Liu Yao was still waiting.

"When you went to war," Yan Zheyun said, a seeming non sequitur that made the fire in Liu Yao’s eyes burn even more fiercely. "There wasn’t an hour of the day that went by during which I did not miss you." He traced light fingers over the sharp cut of Liu Yao’s cheekbone. The boy he’d left behind had been only twenty summers old but this man, emperor now, had grown up in his absence. His jawline was stronger, the greenhorn idealism he’d taken to morning court as crown prince sharpened into a keen weapon that he now wielded at will against those who stood in the way of the future he envisioned for his kingdom.

"During the Battle of Wuhui Mountain Ridge, I lost communication with the capital for a month," Liu Yao said hoarsely, his stare boring into Yan Zheyun’s face with an obsession that would have been intimidating had Yan Zheyun not understood the reason why.

"You did," Yan Zheyun agreed. "I wanted so badly to abandon my post in court and rush North to find you but I knew that I had to stay behind and hold the fort whilst your enemies took advantage of your disappearance to try and crumble the foundations of your support. What good was I to you as a lover and a subject if I was only capable of fleeing into your arms at the first sign of trouble? But I wanted to write to you, to tell you that everything was okay back home and that you should just concentrate on the war because I was guarding the backline for you. I just didn’t know where to send my love to."

"But I received your letter in the end." Liu Yao drew a shuddery breath. "Once I finally made it back to the encampment, the first thing I did after reporting back to Great General Pan was to ask if there was news from the capital, from you. But you were worried that the letter would be intercepted, and so you only dared to write one line from the poem ’A Letter To the North During an Evening Rain’. Coward, you didn’t even choose the most romantic one, just some depressing description of scenery."

"The misty rain of Ba Mountain has filled the autumn lake," (3) Yan Zheyun recited. "But you know the rest of the poem by heart." Including the line about longing to be together again so that they could talk about how much they’d missed each other during this night downpour.

As if to mimic the imagery, a drop of water fell onto Yan Zheyun’s face. Then another. They rolled down, leaving a trail in their wake, but he wasn’t the one who was crying.

"Oh, my Ah Yao." Somehow, he found the strength to reach up to engulf Liu Yao in a tight embrace. He could feel the dampness on his shoulder through the thin underrobe that he wore but he pretended not to notice, carding his fingers through Liu Yao’s hair as he stared up at the embroidery on the bed canopy.

"Ziyu."

"Yes," he said.

There was a pause. Then, with more desperation, "Ah Yun?"

"Yes," he said.

Arms slid around him to crush him against Liu Yao’s chest, the dragon coiling tightly around the pearl that it guarded with jealous zeal.

"You left me for so long," he heard Liu Yao mumble, sounding so lost that it reminded Yan Zheyun of the time when he’d just returned from the front, feeling helpless because the metallic scent of blood haunted most of his dreams.

"I’m sorry."

"Five years, Ah Yun. After those five years, these five days have only felt even longer. Did you believe me incapable of fear?" 𝓯𝓻𝒆𝙚𝒘𝓮𝙗𝓷𝒐𝓿𝙚𝒍.𝙘𝓸𝙢

Yan Zheyun couldn’t say anything to that. How could he tell Liu Yao that as his beloved Yun Ziyu, he’d taken his own life not out of despair that they weren’t going to have their happily ever after, but because it was the last thing Yan Zheyun could do to protect him? In comparison, it was far easier to change the subject, to tell him just how come he’d finally returned to his side.

"I believe we won’t be parted again," he promised. He tried to lift Liu Yao’s head for a reassuring kiss but Liu Yao kept it stubbornly buried against his neck. After being emperor for a score of years, he no doubt had developed a pride that wouldn’t let him weep in front of another.

"How is this possible?" Liu Yao asked at last, once he’d calmed down a little. "I daren’t question a good thing but—Ah Yun, will you forget me again?"

Yan Zheyun closed his eyes so Liu Yao wouldn’t see the pity in them should he suddenly look up. "I won’t." After Granny Meng’s special bubble tea, his souls weren’t likely to fragment again. "Ah Yao, I’m Ziyu but I’m also Yan Yun and..." The next part was hard to explain. If this were any other circumstance, Yan Zheyun would sooner lie than reveal his biggest secret and risk being tortured and beheaded as the demon half the nobles insisted he was. But Liu Yao had accepted the return of his dead lover without hesitation, was almost too eager for it to be true, and Yan Zheyun felt that he was owed an explanation, something to set him at peace.

Bit by bit, he told his patient listener just how his souls had become fragmented during its journey in the reincarnation wheel. How one of them had ended up in a different dimension, a whole other world that would be alien to everything Liu Yao knew. He scrutinised Liu Yao’s face with trepidation as he said this, fearful that he would see any hints of terror or mistrust, but all he could detect was a panic that made his eyes water too.

"Another world?" Liu Yao interjected. "Will you have to go back?"

Yan Zheyun shook his head. In truth, he didn’t know for sure but he didn’t think he had a free ticket back anymore, especially since he could still remember that robotic voice telling him that he didn’t belong to that reality in the first place. He was home now and the family he had there was destined to only be fleeting passersby in his life, no matter how much he still yearned for their company.

"I was never meant to go over there," he said. "I’m where I belong now."

Liu Yao hummed in agreement. His hands had slid into Yan Zheyun’s robes to press against the soft, warm skin within but they didn’t stray any lower than his belly. It was as though Liu Yao was just seeking solace in a familiar touch and so Yan Zheyun obediently stayed still and let him, tried to ignore the stirring in his loins whenever Liu Yao’s palm strayed a little too far south.

"I would not have guessed that one of your souls would linger behind only to become the son of Prime Minister Yan."

"Mm. It appears that that fragment only passed through the wheel a little while later than the other two." Yan Zheyun let out a quiet laugh. "Nice to know that a part of me will always retain a bit of youth."

But perhaps the memory of Yan Yun’s age invoked a sense of remorse in Liu Yao because the regret in his voice was so thick it was almost palpable. "My throne, my title. They’ve caused harm to every single one of the lives you’ve led."

"And yet, you’ve also brought me immeasurable joy," was Yan Zheyun’s firm reply. "I wouldn’t trade you for the world, Ah Yao, if there is one thing I wish you would not doubt, this would be it."

Liu Yao didn’t reply for a long while. The dim glow of candlelight, the light scent of sandalwood. These were all comforts that Yan Zheyun had grown accustomed to. He was in Qianqing Palace, the bedchamber that was as much his bedroom as it was his husband’s, and he found himself growing drowsy. He was still recuperating and perhaps so was Liu Yao, who needed time to recover from the scare. Come tomorrow, he was going to have to stand up and start trying to walk around and recover some muscle mass. It was also very possible that he was going to develop a deep vein thrombosis if he lay down much longer although it was likely that the imperial physicians had massaged his limbs because they didn’t feel sore or anything.

But just as he was about to drift off to sleep, he heard Liu Yao ask him a question in a voice so small and uncertain that he initially mistook it as his imagination.

"If you wouldn’t trade me for the world, why did you kill yourself?"