I only wanted to kill a chicken, not split the heaven-Chapter 155: The Royal Banquet of Enlightenment

The next evening, the Imperial Palace glittered like a dragon trying to show off its tax deductions.

Lanterns hung from jade pillars, music floated like refined gossip, and servants bowed so perfectly they might've achieved enlightenment halfway through the motion.

The Royal Cultivation Banquet 2

had officially begun — an event meant to "unite sects, scholars, and nobility in spiritual harmony."

Or, as Li Ming put it: "A competition to see who can pretend to be humble while eating the loudest."

---

Li Ming and Lan Yue entered the banquet hall together.

Bai Guo perched proudly on his shoulder, wearing a tiny ceremonial hat he'd stolen from a pastry.

The nobles turned, whispers rippling through the air like spirit fish in shallow water.

> "That's him—."

"The one who won the debate by yawning."

"He's smiling! Take cover!"

Li Ming smiled wider.

---

At the top dais, the Emperor rose, voice calm yet amused.

"Honored cultivators! Tonight we dine not only on food, but on wisdom."

Li Ming bowed. "I prefer mine lightly seasoned."

The Emperor chuckled. "Then we shall see if the dishes or the doctrines tonight are harder to swallow."

---

Servants brought in the first course — "Enlightened Spirit Dumplings."

Each glowed faintly with qi, shaped into tiny lotus flowers.

A noble leaned toward Li Ming. "They say whoever eats these gains clarity of mind."

Li Ming picked one up, studied it, then popped it into his mouth.

He chewed slowly, then said, "Tastes like confusion."

Lan Yue muttered, "Please don't start a philosophy before dessert."

---

A Confucian scholar at the table cleared his throat. "Young cultivator, the flavor reflects one's own state of mind."

Li Ming nodded thoughtfully. "Ah, so the chef was having an existential crisis."

The table choked on tea.

The scholar turned red. "You mock sacred tradition!"

"Not at all," Li Ming said mildly. "I'm seasoning it with perspective."

The Emperor almost spat his wine.

---

The second course arrived — "Wisdom Broth," served in golden bowls, steam rising in elegant spirals.

The Emperor raised his cup. "This soup is said to refine the mind and purify the soul."

Li Ming sniffed it. "It smells like paperwork."

Lan Yue whispered through clenched teeth, "Don't—"

But it was too late.

Li Ming took a sip, closed his eyes, and sighed. "Yes. Bureaucratic aftertaste. Three centuries of committee meetings."

Even the servants tried not to laugh.

The Emperor wiped his eyes. "Li Ming, I see now why Heaven tolerates you — you make even divine boredom entertaining."

---

Then came the entertainment: a procession of courtiers performing arts meant to impress the guests.

One noble recited poetry about "The Harmony of Law and Lotus."

Another played a zither piece so slow the audience began questioning mortality.

Finally, the Emperor gestured toward Li Ming. "Our honored guest—would you care to demonstrate the Azure Sky Sect's… interpretation of enlightenment?"

Li Ming blinked. "Interpretation?"

Bai Guo whispered, "You're being asked to perform."

Li Ming whispered back, "We didn't bring props."

Lan Yue facepalmed. "Just… do something not disastrous."

---

Li Ming rose gracefully, cupped his hands, and said, "Very well. I shall present a short performance entitled—'Understanding Simplicity.'"

The audience leaned forward.

He walked to the center of the hall, drew a formation circle in the air with a flick of qi—

And then… sat down.

Completely still.

Nothing happened.

The crowd waited.

Ten seconds.

Thirty seconds.

A full minute.

A noble finally whispered, "Is this… part of it?"

Bai Guo leaned toward him. "Yes. It's advanced stillness technique."

Another minute passed.

Finally, the Emperor himself chuckled. "And the meaning of this art?"

Li Ming opened one eye. "Patience."

The hall exploded with laughter.

---

Even the stoic ministers were giggling behind their sleeves.

One noble applauded wildly. "Marvelous! He just turned doing nothing into performance art!"

Another noble nodded sagely. "Truly, the Dao of Efficiency."

Lan Yue muttered under her breath, "He's founding a religion by accident again."

---

By the end of the banquet, everyone was buzzing — some genuinely inspired, others pretending to be.

The Emperor stood and raised his cup once more.

"Li Ming, you have brought humor to our hall, wisdom to our wine, and chaos to our peace.

For this, I shall grant you an honorary title: Imperial Advisor of Tranquil Disruption."

Li Ming blinked. "That sounds illegal."

The Emperor smiled. "So does half your life, apparently."

The hall roared with laughter and applause.

---

When they finally left, Lan Yue pinched the bridge of her nose. "You've now become an advisor to the Empire. Do you realize what that means?"

Li Ming nodded seriously. "Yes. I'll need a bigger teacup."

Bai Guo chirped proudly. "And a higher salary!"

---

The banquet's laughter had barely faded when the Emperor leaned forward on his throne, eyes bright with curiosity.

"Li Ming," he said, "as the newly appointed Imperial Advisor of Tranquil Disruption, I have one question."

Li Ming bowed slightly. "I will answer with maximum ambiguity."

Lan Yue sighed audibly. "Majesty, please ignore that disclaimer."

The Emperor chuckled. "Tell me then — how would you, a cultivator of balance, improve this Empire?"

The hall went silent. Even the zither player stopped mid-string, terrified of inspiring policy.

---

Li Ming took a slow sip of tea, the kind of sip that implied either deep contemplation or an impending catastrophe.

He set the cup down. "Simple. Less cultivation, more clarity."

A hundred courtiers blinked in unison.

"...What does that mean?" one whispered.

Li Ming smiled. "You see, the Empire is like a massive formation. Every official is a rune. The more everyone tries to shine brighter, the harder it is to read the script. Sometimes, progress means dimming evenly."

The ministers exchanged glances, trying to look wise while secretly panicking.

The Emperor nodded, intrigued. "So you're saying… less ambition?"

"Precisely," Li Ming said. "Productive laziness. The art of doing what's needed, nothing more, nothing less."

Bai Guo clapped his wings. "Finally! Government efficiency through naps!"

Lan Yue kicked him under the table.

---

The Emperor stroked his beard. "Hmm. The Dao of Efficiency… How would that apply to the ministries?"

Li Ming thought for a moment. "Begin by removing unnecessary effort. For instance, your Ministry of Ceremonial Greetings—why does it take three scrolls and two bows to say hello?"

The Minister of Ceremonial Greetings choked on his tea. "That— that's centuries of protocol!"

"Exactly," Li Ming said. "Centuries of unnecessary spine flexing."

The Emperor laughed, half in amusement, half in relief. "So… simplify greetings?"

"Yes," Li Ming replied solemnly. "One bow. One nod. And if they truly respect you, they'll make it look effortless."

A court scribe was already scribbling notes furiously.

---

The Minister of Labor rose next. "Then what of the workforce, Honored Advisor? Productivity must remain high!"

Li Ming nodded sagely. "Then stop overworking them."

The hall went still again.

He continued, "Exhausted workers produce inferior qi flow. Instead, mandate mandatory idleness periods. Let them sit quietly, cultivate breath, and realize their mistakes in peace."

The Emperor tilted his head. "You mean… naps?"

Li Ming smiled faintly. "Enforced enlightenment intervals."

The Emperor slapped his knee, delighted. "Marvelous! Write that down!"

The scribe nearly broke his wrist recording Edict of Enlightened Idleness.

---

Now nobles began chiming in, desperate to show they understood.

A plump duke raised his hand. "Then by your logic, Advisor Li, we should simplify taxation as well!"

Li Ming blinked. "You have taxation?"

Lan Yue smacked her forehead.

The duke laughed nervously. "Ahem, I mean… yes, of course. Should we make it… simpler?" 𝑓𝑟ℯ𝘦𝓌𝘦𝘣𝑛𝑜𝓋𝑒𝓁.𝑐ℴ𝓂

"Certainly," Li Ming said. "Tax only what you understand. If no one understands it, don't tax it."

The Emperor nodded. "That explains much of my treasury's confusion."

Within minutes, another scribe was creating a scroll titled Doctrine of Comprehensible Taxation.

---

By now, the entire hall was vibrating with manic inspiration.

A general spoke up next. "Advisor Li! What about the army? How does one cultivate efficiency in battle?"

Li Ming smiled mildly. "Ah, the simplest of all. Let your soldiers train balance, not just strength."

The general frowned. "Balance?"

"Of course. No army wins by brute force alone. Teach them to breathe between swings. To march without ego. To meditate before stabbing."

The general slammed his fist on the table. "Brilliant! Discipline through stillness!"

Li Ming nodded. "Exactly. A soldier who can sit for an hour can stand for a lifetime."

The scribe, sweating profusely, wrote: Imperial Doctrine of Stillness Before Slaughter.

Lan Yue whispered, "He's turning this into a national religion."

---

Finally, the Emperor raised a hand. "Then tell me, Advisor Li — if every ministry follows your wisdom, what will the Empire become?"

Li Ming looked around — at the shining banners, the ambitious faces, the endless performance of pride dressed as virtue.

He smiled softly. "Peaceful."

Silence fell.

Then the Emperor rose, voice booming with delight.

> "Then so it shall be decreed!

From this day forward, all Imperial Ministries shall observe the Way of Tranquil Disruption!

Each official will meditate an hour daily to reflect upon the futility of excessive effort!"

The hall erupted — some in cheers, others in existential dread.

Bai Guo shrieked, "He just legalized being lazy!"

Lan Yue groaned. "He institutionalized your personality."

Li Ming sipped his tea again. "Balance achieved."

---

Three days later, across the Empire, chaos bloomed like spring flowers.

The Ministry of War stopped drills to "sit quietly and breathe aggression out."

The Ministry of Agriculture refused to plow before "achieving inner balance."

And the Treasury declared a "week of reflective spending" — during which no one knew where the money went.

Officials across the land bowed to portraits of Li Ming, chanting:

> "Less effort, more insight!"

"Efficiency through serenity!"

Li Ming, meanwhile, sat under a pavilion in the palace garden, sipping tea.

Lan Yue glared. "You do realize the Empire's grinding to a halt, right?"

He nodded calmly. "It's resting. Rest is part of the cycle."

Bai Guo tilted his head. "So... you saved the nation by breaking it?"

Li Ming smiled faintly. "I improved the rhythm."

To be continued...