Like Deadpool in the DC Universe.-Chapter 14: Bat-daddy’s

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In a single moment, the darkness itself moved.

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Before Blade could utter a word, strong ropes wrapped around him, binding his arms and legs in midair.

"Oh, great! I'm a fucking bat now, but I can't see my dick! Am I getting wings too?" Blade said sarcastically as he swung from the ceiling.

From the shadows, Batman slowly emerged, his glowing white eyes staring sharply at Blade.

"Who are you? And why are you here?"

Blade grinned, swaying in the air like an old clock pendulum, then said, "I'm just a tourist looking for some excitement! I heard you've got a cool cave, so I thought, why not pay a visit?"

Batman suddenly tightened the ropes, pulling Blade closer, face to face with the Dark Knight.

"You have unnatural regenerative abilities, an unusual fighting style, and—" Batman glanced briefly at the caged Beast Boy before continuing, "—terrible taste in friends."

Blade chuckled. "Oh, I like your way of threatening people, it gives a nice little chill. But let me make one thing clear: I'm not a villain, I'm just... fucking tired of boredom, and I enjoy a little chaos."

Batman's eyes narrowed as he replied coldly, "That doesn't explain why you were butchering my robots like training dummies."

Blade, trying to swing slightly, responded, "You know me, I can't resist a little action, especially when something really fucking excites me! And besides, if you hadn't responded earlier, I would've thought you didn't like me, and I would've been emotionally devastated."

"You're a clown," Batman said, emotionless.

"And you're a guy wearing a bat suit! So we're even!" Blade shot back with a wide grin.

Batman pressed a small device on his belt, and Blade suddenly felt a sharp electric shock coursing through his body.

"AAAH! FUCK! Who the hell does that, by the holy pizza and the maker of plastic dildos?!" he screamed as his body convulsed.

Batman remained silent. "Answers. Now."

Blade swung in the air like a marionette puppet, and every time he dodged the question, Batman pressed the shock button, making him jolt like a fish freshly pulled from water.

"AAAH! FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Alright, alright! I came here because... because I was bored!"

Batman pressed the button again.

"AAAH! OKAY, OKAY! And because I wanted to steal some cool gadgets!"

Another press.

"AAAAAAAH! I swear, man, if I didn't have this damn regeneration ability, I'd be a fucking burnt steak by now!"

Meanwhile, Beast Boy had collapsed on the floor, laughing hysterically, pounding the cage with his fist as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Oh my god, oh my god! This is better than any comedy show I've ever seen in my life!"

Blade looked at Batman, his face still twitching from the electricity...

"You know? I'm starting to think you're actually enjoying this."

Batman didn't reply. He just stared at him coldly and pressed the button again.

"AAAAAAH! By Hulk's dick, that one was personal! I swear, you fucking enjoyed it, didn't you?!"

Batman looked at Blade for a second. Then he pressed the button again.

"Oh, come oooon! This is official torture! Isn't there a law against this?!"

Batman replied calmly, "I am the law."

Blade looked directly at the reader, his face still twitching from the electricity. "Oh, he's doing the thing again. Classic Batman. And tell that fucking writer he's gonna regret this."

While Batman stood in front of Beast Boy, seriously questioning him about why he was with "the never-shutting-up clown," Blade was still swinging in the air like a smoked piece of meat, singing at the top of his lungs:

"I'm a maaaaan hanging in the air... Getting shocked everywheeeere... This ain't a normal liiife, it's just fucking bullshit served on a golden plate!"

Batman stared at him blankly, while Beast Boy was on the verge of choking from laughter. "Dude, I swear, even though he's insane, he did kill Raven's father and save us all."

Batman raised an eyebrow, then glanced at Blade again, who was trying to swing himself like a kid on a playground... only to fail miserably and faceplant onto the floor.

Blade lifted his head, shouting, "Alright! Alright! I admit it! I can't swing like Spider-Man! Fuck physics!"

Beast Boy, still holding back his laughter, spoke again: "Ask Robin, he'll tell you everything... But I'd suggest bracing yourself. Robin hates him. No idea why. Maybe because he steals the spotlight?"

Batman looked at Beast Boy, then back at Blade, who was now rolling on the ground, whispering to the reader: "Believe me, dear reader, if the electricity doesn't kill me, Batman's fucking moodiness will."

Batman: "Alfred, untie him. I'll try talking to him."

Alfred (with lethal British calm): "Actually, sir... he's already freed himself."

Batman: "What?!"

Alfred silently gestured toward the corner of the Batcave, where Blade was now standing next to the Batmobile, running his hand over its polished surface like a car expert evaluating a fine vehicle.

Blade (in an impressed tone): "Daaaamn, Batsy, this thing is a work of art... Does it run on electricity, dead dinosaur juice, or the fucking power of justice?"

Beast Boy was still in his iron cage, watching the scene with wide eyes, while Batman took slow, heavy steps forward, staring at Blade intensely.

Batman: "Step away from the car."

Blade (with fake innocence as he opens the door): "Why? Don't tell me this car has voice control, like: 'I am the Batmobile, don't touch me, you idiot! My husband is Batman and we have kids!'?"

Batman pressed a button on his belt, and suddenly, an electric shock surged from the car, striking Blade directly. He jumped two meters into the air before crashing onto the ground, twitching, with smoke rising from his body.

Blade (his voice trembling from the electricity): "Oooookay... alright... Note to self: don't touch Bat-daddy's car... unless I want a fucking new hairstyle."

Beast Boy burst out laughing, while Alfred—who had apparently seen everything in life—just sighed.

Blade sat cross-legged on the ground, still dazed from the shock, then looked up at Batman, who was staring at him with those terrifying eyes, and asked in a serious tone:

Batman: "How did you get here? Where did you come from? And why the hell don't you die?"

Blade grinned widely, placing a hand on his chest dramatically.

Blade: "Oh, Batsy, you're questioning me like I'm a villain in one of your interrogation scenes! Fine, I'll confess everything... but first, can I get a cup of coffee? No? Alright, I'll get it myself..."

He stood up and began pacing back and forth like an old detective in a noir film.

Blade: "The story begins in a land far, far away... called Marvel. A world where heroes wear ridiculously tight outfits and villains love destroying cities as an afternoon hobby. I was there, living my life as a mercenary and the undisputed king of sarcasm... until I got killed! Yes, this handsome face died!"

He glanced at Beast Boy, who was still stuck in his cage, then added:

Blade: "But fate—or maybe this fucking scriptwriter (whispers to the readers)—decided to bring me back to life in this world of heroes, a demonic supervillain, and even more drama!"

Batman: "That still doesn't explain why you don't die or even lose consciousness."

Blade: "Ah, right, that's a different story... Well, let's just say my body is now an infinite regeneration party! You cut off my head? It grows back! You shoot me? I get back up! You throw me into a blender? Okay, that would be interesting, but I'm pretty fucking sure I'd return!"

Batman (frowning even more): "Do you have any limits to this ability?"

Blade (genuinely thinking for the first time): "Hmm... Well... I haven't tried getting blown up inside a black hole yet, but I don't think I'd enjoy the experience."

Batman looked at Alfred, then back at Blade, before letting out a light sigh and saying in a calm but terrifying voice:

Batman: "If you cause any trouble here, I will find a way to end you."

Blade grinned widely, then raised his hands in surrender.

Blade: "Oh, Batsy, you don't get it... I AM the fucking trouble! And in a villainous way, I just said I won't die... but you? Well..."

At that moment, Beast Boy was struggling to hold back his laughter, while Alfred just sighed again, wondering if he should finally take that long vacation.

Batman stared at Blade with a cold, calculating gaze, as if analyzing every detail about him. Meanwhile, Blade stood before him, arms wide open with confidence, as if he were a hero in a dramatic scene. Then, he spoke:

Blade: "Alright, oh mighty Bat with major family issues, I've seen your detective skills, and honestly? Respect! But what about fighting? What about going up against a man who doesn't fucking die?"

He stepped forward, eyes gleaming with excitement, then raised a finger, pointing at Batman:

Blade: "One-on-one, cave man! Just you and me... muscle against muscle, brains against brains, strategy against pure fucking chaos! A battle to prove who's the real top dog, tactically, physically, and mentally! Any place you like! What do you say?"

Alfred stood by the table, watching the scene unfold, while Beast Boy's jaw dropped as he muttered:

Beast Boy: "Oh no... he didn't just... oh, he fucking did. He challenged the Bat himself!"

Batman didn't respond immediately. Instead, he turned to the massive screen in the Batcave, pressed a few buttons, and played a surveillance footage from a few days ago. The clip showed Blade getting flattened by a truck.

Batman (in a deathly calm voice): "This was you a few days ago."

Then, he pressed another button, revealing another clip—this time, it showed Blade rolling off a rooftop earlier that morning, plummeting like a ragdoll while screaming and cursing the writer.

Batman: "And this is you."

He turned back to Blade, his piercing eyes locking onto him before he spoke in a quiet yet heavy tone:

Batman: "And you want to fight me one-on-one?"

Blade blinked a few times, then glanced at Beast Boy, then at Alfred, then at the fucking writer, then back at Batman—before he smirked and raised his hand:

Blade: "First of all, I respect the hell out of the fact that you collected these clips like some creepy stalker who wants to fuck me. Second... yes, my offer still fucking stands!"

Silence filled the cave for a moment before Batman let out a faint sigh, folding his arms.

Batman: "Fine. My arena. Tomorrow. Midnight."

Beast Boy's eyes went wide, while Blade grinned and said excitedly:

Blade: "Ohhh, this is gonna be fun! Batman fucking agreed, people!"

He turned toward the readers, puffing out his chest proudly.

Blade: "Hey, writer, you seeing this?! Mark this moment in history!"

Then, looking back at Batman, he added with a sly smirk:

Blade: "But tell me, Batsy... should I bring flowers for your funeral, or what?"

Batman turned his back and began walking away, his voice dry as hell:

Batman: "Just make sure you show up... I won't be needing flowers."

Beast Boy was still in shock, muttering to himself:

Beast Boy: "Dude... Batman vs. Blade... I think I should start selling tickets for this event!"

Suddenly, Robin entered the Batcave, walking in with quick steps, his eyes narrowing suspiciously as he looked around, wondering why Batman had summoned him so urgently.

Robin: "Alright, I got here as fast as you asked. What's going on, Master?"

But before he could get an answer, he noticed something strange—a motorcycle, one of Cyborg's bikes, speeding out of the cave. And on it were two very familiar figures:

Beast Boy, sitting in the back, cheering like a maniac, and Blade—laughing like a lunatic, as if he were a kid who just stole a giant candy bar.

Blade (shouting at the writer): "Oooooh, you see this, writer?! Add this to my list of crazy-ass achievements!"

Robin raised an eyebrow in disbelief, then turned to Batman, who stood there watching the bike disappear into the distance with those cold, unreadable eyes.

Robin (exasperated): "Please don't tell me they were already here..."

Batman took a deep breath, then slowly turned to Robin and began one of his legendary lectures:

Batman: "Being a hero isn't just about strength, Robin. It's about responsibility. About control. About knowing who you allow into your world. When you invite outsiders into your team, you invite unpredictable chaos. You know this."

Robin folded his arms, sighing.

Robin: "Yeah, yeah... control, responsibility... but please, just tell me—what the fuck were those two idiots even doing here?"

Batman responded in a cold tone:

Batman: "Blade... challenged me to a one-on-one fight."

Robin froze for two seconds. Then, he burst into laughter.

Robin: "Wait... wait a second... You mean to tell me that this—this absolute lunatic who falls off buildings and argues with himself—he challenged you?! Batman?!"

Batman didn't respond. He just stared at Robin with dead silence.

Robin's laughter slowly died down. He swallowed hard before cautiously asking:

Robin: "Oh... you accepted, didn't you?"

Batman (in a deathly calm voice): "Midnight. My arena."

Robin blinked twice, then muttered:

Robin: "Well... this is gonna be a show worth watching."

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