Modern Family: New Life-Chapter 87: Howard’s advice

"Women."

That was the first thing Howard said after Andrew told Leonard and him about the argument he had with Pippa just a few hours ago.

"What?" asked Andrew, raising an eyebrow.

"Come on, Andrew, did you really believe that when she said she 'wasn't mad,' she actually wasn't mad?" Howard looked at him with amusement, resting an elbow on the table. "Rookie."

"If she says she's not mad, she is. If she says she's not jealous, she is. If she says that girl doesn't bother her... that girl definitely bothers her. It's basic programming for all women," Howard explained, as if he were revealing some ancient secret.

"And how would you know if you've never had a girlfriend?" asked Andrew.

Howard gave him an offended look but answered seriously, "I'm a scholar on the subject. I've analyzed countless situations, watched documentaries, read articles, and, most importantly, I've been rejected by enough girls to understand the source code of their operating system."

"So many rejections and not a single win? What's going on there?" asked Leonard with a slight teasing smile.

He and Howard had patched things up months ago after a fight. That's just how guys are, one punch-up and a few days later they're back to being best friends like nothing happened.

"Not all failures. Remember Karen Smith?" said Howard with a faint, triumphant grin.

'She was drunk,' thought Leonard and Andrew, but they didn't say a word.

"So, women-behavior scientist, how would you fix my problem?" Andrew asked, crossing his arms.

He never thought the day would come when he'd ask Howard for relationship advice.

Howard smiled smugly and shifted in his seat. "Well, Andrew, there are two paths to fix this," he said, holding up two fingers. "Option A: become the submissive, regretful boyfriend."

Andrew would never do such a thing, but he let Howard continue.

Howard cleared his throat and suddenly adopted a pleading expression, dropping to his knees in front of Leonard, who stared at him in disbelief. 'Are we in a simulation again?' he thought.

"Pippa, please forgive me," Howard exaggerated his voice with dramatic flair. "I don't know what I did, but I swear I'll never do it again. I'll do whatever you say. I'll change, I'll be better. If you want me to stop running, I will. If you want me to never look at Regina again, I won't. If you want me to tattoo your name on my forehead, I'll do it."

Leonard burst out laughing, while Andrew grimaced in disgust.

"There's no way I'm doing that!" Andrew exclaimed.

Howard casually returned to his seat and shrugged.

"Maybe not that extreme, but you get the point," he said with a nonchalant gesture. "Basically, you have to admit your mistakes, even if you don't know what they are, or even if it wasn't your fault."

"That's ridiculous," Andrew scoffed.

"It's the same method Leonard used with Lauren," Howard added, without any malice in his voice.

To Howard, that kind of tactic was just part of the game in a relationship.

Leonard, who had stayed out of the conversation until now, grunted but said nothing. Because, unfortunately, it was true. Luckily, he wasn't with her anymore.

"And what's option B?" Andrew asked, still unconvinced by "Option A."

Andrew had too much pride to be submissive, admit every mistake, or beg for forgiveness. He could apologize, sure, but he'd never go as far as humiliating himself by pleading.

"Option B: find the cause of the anger," Howard said in a serious tone, as if it were a mathematical formula. "Though I warn you, this is hard. Girls, in general, will tell you they're not mad, but their actions say otherwise. They act indifferent, cold... and you know they're mad."

"The only possible cause would be Regina, but Pippa said she's no longer bothered by that since she saw that Regina and I are just friends. She saw it with her own eyes," said Andrew, rubbing his chin.

"You're skipping a crucial step, my friend," Howard said, frowning and giving Andrew an analytical look. "She told you she wasn't upset, but... remember the basic programming of women: yes, she's still mad, and the jealousy is still there, even if she won't admit it."

"I don't know..." Andrew said, still skeptical about Howard's so-called "basic programming of women."

"Look, Andrew. Regina is the most beautiful girl in school, and you know she's popular. Every guy drools over her. She's got an incredible face, an athletic body, and she's the head cheerleader. Damn, every time I see her thighs, I want them to crush my skull!" Howard said, getting way too excited and letting his imagination run wild.

Leonard and Andrew gave him weird looks, though by now they were used to these kinds of comments from Howard.

"Now imagine," Howard said, calming down and refocusing, "That unattainable girl who treated every guy like trash... shows interest in someone. In you. The star quarterback who pulled off amazing things for the football team. What do you think your girlfriend is going to feel when she sees Regina getting close to you, even if on the surface it looks like just friendship? Plus, we all know how manipulative Regina can be," Howard concluded.

Andrew, who had been listening in silence, couldn't deny his friend had a point. Somehow, Howard's reasoning had a logic to it that he hadn't considered before. Still, Andrew frowned and leaned back in his chair.

"Maybe... but that doesn't mean I'm going to tell Regina to stop running with me. I don't feel anything for her, so Pippa should trust me. Trust is fundamental in a relationship," Andrew said firmly.

"Besides, I don't think Pippa is that jealous," he added.

"You really think Pippa isn't jealous?" Howard said, standing up from his chair and walking straight to a drawer in Andrew's room.

He opened the drawer and pulled out a golden bracelet with a very feminine look. Andrew grimaced at the sight of it.

"You remember this gift, don't you?" Howard said with a mischievous smile.

Andrew nodded.

"This bracelet sends a very clear message. She's warding off any girl who might try to get close to you. First of all, it's so feminine and gay that no straight guy would wear it. And Pippa knows the effect it has, she's smart. In short, it's an anti-girl shield," Howard explained.

Andrew opened his mouth to respond, but Howard cut him off while holding the bracelet and pointing to the engraved message.

"And look what it says here," Howard continued in a deep voice. "'To my favorite quarterback. I'll always be cheering you on. With love, your girlfriend, Pippa.'"

"And what's wrong with that?" asked Andrew. It just seemed like a sweet, thoughtful message.

Howard, however, looked at him as if he'd said something outrageous.

"No, no, no. What it really says is this: 'I own this boy. So back off, bitches. This star quarterback is taken.' Come on, man, don't be so naïve! That's clearly marked territory," Howard exclaimed.

Andrew snatched the bracelet from Howard and put it back in the drawer. "You're imagining things, man," he said, shaking his head.

Howard was about to argue that his logic was 100% accurate, but Leonard touched his shoulder and shook his head, so Howard stayed silent.

The room fell into a strange silence.

"Well, guys, enough with the relationship drama. Tomorrow is the Preview Night of San Diego Comic-Con 2009, remember?" Leonard said, looking at both of them with renewed excitement.

Immediately, Andrew and Howard's eyes lit up. They completely forgot about the previous topic, girls and girlfriends, and started talking enthusiastically about everything they were going to do the next day at Preview Night and during the official days of Comic-Con.

Preview Night was an exclusive event held the night before the official start of the convention, a sort of appetizer for true fans. Only those who had bought the full four-day pass could attend—like the three of them.

It had been very expensive, and also a lot of work, since the demand was massive. Months earlier, they had to be glued to their keyboards, hitting F5 like crazy to make sure they didn't miss out on tickets.

This Preview Night was a unique opportunity to explore the massive exhibition hall without the overwhelming crowds of the following days, check out exclusive sneak peeks, score limited-edition merch... and, if they were lucky, spot a celebrity up close, like Robert Downey Jr., who was already officially confirmed to be at Comic-Con presenting Iron Man 2.

"It starts at six p.m., right?" asked Andrew, already picturing the Marvel booths, rare comics, and limited-edition action figures.

"Yeah," replied Leonard, adjusting his glasses. "And I have a list of everything I want to see. I saved all year for this. I'm not missing the surprise panel they say is happening in Hall H... even if it's not confirmed."

"Breaking up with Lauren and not spending money on Valentine's Day turned out to be a win," joked Howard, earning a quick smack on the shoulder from Leonard.

"Hey, hey, just kidding!" Howard added, laughing and rubbing his shoulder.

"If you guys need, I can loan you some money. No problem," said Andrew with a half-smile.

"Damn capitalist! And successful game developer. But... I accept," said Howard, pointing at him dramatically, though he couldn't hide his excitement.

"I'm also a YouTuber," Andrew said, turning in his chair toward his desk. He opened a drawer, pulled out a notebook and a pen. "Let's write down how much you need and the payment plan."

Andrew, with his two YouTube channels, averages around 5 million views per month between both. On his sports channel, he usually uploads 3 or 4 videos a week, and on his gaming channel, even more, since it's not as demanding.

He earns around $4,200 a month through YouTube's partner program alone. With the income from Flappy Bird, he's now making over $10,000 a month.

"How much interest?" Howard asked suddenly serious, crossing his arms like he was facing a Swiss banker.

Andrew looked at him like the question was ridiculous. "Zero."

There was a pause. Leonard and Howard looked at each other, then back at him, mouths slightly open.

"Zero?" repeated Leonard, as if he had just witnessed a miracle.

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"Really? No tricks? No fine print about soul mortgages or organ payments?" asked Howard, clutching his chest dramatically. "You're an unsung hero of modern capitalism!"

Andrew rolled his eyes. "Just tell me how much you need and how many installments you'll pay me back in."

"Me too, can I?" Leonard asked timidly. If he had more money, he could buy more stuff. With his allowance, he could pay Andrew back comfortably.

"Of course," Andrew replied.

After they settled how much money each of them wanted and how they'd pay it back, Andrew told them to look away. A few minutes later, they were allowed to stop staring at the wall.

Howard and Leonard turned around... and their eyes widened.

On the table were two thick envelopes. Howard grabbed one and saw a stack of green bills, when he counted them, it was exactly what he had asked for.

"You're a total professional..." said Leonard, taking his envelope and, after thanking Andrew, putting it in his backpack.

"My dad's a lawyer," Andrew said with a shrug.

"Thanks to you, I'm now funding a lot of my future action figures and comics," said Howard, also putting the envelope away.

He was the one who filmed Andrew for many of his sports videos. In fact, Howard was the official cameraman of the channel. Leonard also helped with editing.

And Andrew, though he could have done everything alone with a tripod and a lot of time, preferred to pay them. Not just because they were good at what they did, but because he didn't believe in taking advantage of friends.

Leonard glanced at the clock and frowned slightly. "Speaking of tomorrow... we have to get up early for that football tournament, right?"

"Yeah, I'm already signed up," Andrew replied.

He had registered for a summer football tournament for teens aged 14 to 17. It was organized by Brady Hoke at Balboa Stadium, and there was a cash prize. The best part? You got randomly assigned to a team, without knowing anyone. Which made it both way more fun and way more chaotic.

"You... signed up with the alter ego we created?" asked Howard.

"Yeah," Andrew answered after a few seconds.

"I thought we were just joking," said Leonard, giving Andrew a weird look.

"Eyeshield 21. The football alter ego we made up," said Andrew.

The name came from an anime he had seen in his previous life, but for some reason, it didn't exist here. So he decided to use that name for his alter ego.

Then, together with Howard and Leonard, they created a full backstory for the alter ego: personality, likes, everything. Like a comic book character.

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