Quills: the Rise of the Northern Matriarch-Chapter 73: Different Wounds

'He did not even look me in the eye when I gave our pledge and committed him to the bid in the ceremony. He hates me so much. He has not called me 'Mother' since, and it hurts so much. You failed him. Damn it, Hera. Must you still punish me from the tomb?' Solina thought to herself, barely made it here without crying. She had silently wept in the bathroom for a long time. She wanted to at least stay sober for the event.

'Did he think I would not want him to be happy? This is a miracle. Why wouldn't I be happy for him? He mentioned her and the request. I was prepared to reject her, like the others,' Solina thought. The look in his eyes had changed the afternoon that she received the news. He was agitated and then relieved after she approved. Now, for the first time in a decade, her son was happy. He was so strong. He was not as weak as she was.

She saw the hurt that her brothers carried in his eyes, and it made her extremely uncomfortable. She knew what gave him those eyes. She did not regret keeping him away. Although she had power as the sole heir of her clan, she had to give up any semblance of a relationship with her son for years, to protect herself and him. Her mother had no tolerance for weakness in her. Her back was full of healed skin, but it remembered the cruelty and the oppression. She spared no expense in healing the wounds she created in the big mirrored room. She hated mirrors. When she heard his cry coming out of that room and opened the door to the betrayal, horror shocked her. It was the first time she found bravery to confront Hera. Hera punished her and sent him away immediately to Educational Instruction, rationalizing that if she could not have access to the male child, then she would not be able to as well.

'If I could talk about it, I would tell him I was watching over him the whole time, that I cared. That I love him. Would it matter or make a difference? Is he too damaged like me?' Solina thought. He stayed in instruction and then the academy for so many years. Never to return home. She received reports in which she used every effort to classify that he would self injure himself. He received private counseling, and then he started to fight in the academy. As soon as she heard that he had stabilised, she moved him across the globe to Dai' Hrene Station. She would make efforts to extend his stay there herself in the beginning. Hera could not hurt what she could not achieve. Relying on connections and allies, she kept him there.

It took her years, but she finally got rid of Hera Setton. She was dispatched in her sleep. She had started the early onset of memory failure and must have said the wrong thing to the wrong person. Whoever did, it took the time to make it look as close to natural as possible, the best way to do it and did it quickly. She ensured that no investigation took place and covered it up nicely for the person who beat her to it. Someone could have blatantly assassinated her earlier and she still would have covered it up. The only tears she cried were of relief and happiness when she was gone. She rewarded her Fathers and brothers well to hopefully show them that she did not condone Hera's actions. Her brothers, who had become ascetic and remained bound to the clan, returned home. Kai did not.

Hera's death did not change anything for Kai. When that day came, when he could rejoin them. What was left was a man that could not look her in the eye. He vomited when she hugged him. He looked at her with a veiled resentment. The sweet and sensitive boy that used to be was now unreachable to her. Hera's punishment was the execution of their parental bond. Hera's final everlasting cruelty to her. She was forced to betray and reject him after seeing him punished by her. If she was in his shoes, she would have hated her too. Her painful reminders were a father that probably died for his children, her brothers and finally, her child. The look in his eyes cut her like Hera did in the big mirrored room. His eyes reflected her weakness and her failure to protect him. The hatred in those eyes.

After speaking with Kehye that morning before their talk, she was very anxious. When the proposal came from Lenora Quill she feared sending him away without talking it over with him. It would be devastating to his and their reputation if he was cast away from his bind with Quill. If his wounds and odd behavior came to light, Hera's legacy of destruction would come full circle. The Quills were popular in the news. When she confronted him, she asked him if he would be able to handle all that came from this relationship. He was able to finally raise his chin and look at her. Although she recognized the disdain in his eyes for her concern for him, he was confident. He smiled. Although he appeared to be doing well and remained calm throughout the whole ceremony, he had a long life ahead of him. He was close to a new Matriarch again.

'I cannot protect him anymore. She cannot protect him from anyone that knows how precious he is to me. Why can he not forgive me?' Solina ruminated and tortured herself mentally. She knew the power and hold that the position came with. It was also in her hands too. He put himself in danger again. He could have lived in the freedom that Solina was willing to give him for the rest of his life. The freedom of not being beholden to powerful and cruel women. He could have lived outside their sight.

'Maybe she is different. Allari has been guiding her, the investigation revealed a positive and private lifestyle. She was particularly beloved by the Halid clan. Which in reality was a more powerful clan than ours. She could be taking key clans as allies through whom she has picked. However, for someone from the North, she has a keen eye. She is smart.' Solina thought as she tried to calm herself. She was damaged too. She did not know how to handle her emotions well. Some wounds never healed because they were that different type.

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'What if she learns about the past? What if he never talks to me again?' Solina thought as she fumbled for the cylinder in her cleavage. Solina turned away from the mirror and self-administered herself with a tranquilizer. She felt the dullness of the mind that it brought her. She turned and bitterly stared into the mirror. These were all covered up at home. Not here. Not out in the world. Mirrors everywhere to capture her cool facade and the pathetic hurt in her eyes.

"Mmmm." Solina sighed as the dopamine and oxytocin flooded her brain. A folk song was playing outside, she leaned against the bathroom door, and she heard a female voice start to sing.

'This is oddly soothing. Could a woman be soothing?' Solina thought. She opened the door and her eyes found him smiling, slowly dancing with Lenora Quill on the dance floor. Kehye walked up to escort her, knowing what the difference in stance meant. She was inebriated again. He felt his eyes start to throb as his blood pressure climbed and the awkward feeling of not knowing how to approach this while maintaining the dignity of Setton temporarily eluded him.

"Solina, you promised you would not use it here." Kehye quietly whispered to Solina. Solina's substance abuse problems were a closely guarded secret. Kehye tried to escort her swaying body off the dance floor.

"It's only us that he finds revolting." Solina said, slurring her speech, sounding pathetic. Kehye pulled her into an embrace and slowly danced with her. She was resisting.

"Quietly, please Solina, it is a good day. You promised." Kehye begged. He hooked his arms around her waist and prepared to catch her. Ahn looked at him sympathetically, ready to step in. He was a good Bind mate, he would be there for his son's day someday.

"Maybe he won't ruin himself and us," Solina whimpered quietly. Her smile seemed eerie as she talked. It would evoke disgust in others if they heard her talk like that. Kehye frowned. Kehye knew that she loved her family. Kai was a reminder of fresh and past trauma for Solina and a deep wound for him as well. But to Kehye he was also his pride and joy.

"Solina, he looks so happy. Be happy with that. Today is not about you," Kehye said. He loathed the powerlessness he felt looking at his son's guarded facade in front of him. His son used to cling to him as a little boy. He sang these folks songs with him. He had his eyes.

'He is finally free from this. Your son is free. He is blooming like a flower again.' Kehye soothed himself. When Kehye spoke with his son in private, he felt optimistic. Nora had made an impression on him. He figured that she would have to be the complete opposite of Solina for him to leave the relative freedom he had. If presented with the option of not being bound to Solina knowing what he knew, he would have taken that option. It would have passed the pain on to another man and boy. Solina was not directly responsible for his pain. But by avoiding the pain, her feelings and not telling him how she really truly felt, only hurt them both deeper. Her abuse of cylinders started after the last of the natural-born children were born, and she had to give up natural births. Her mood was erratic, but better when she self-medicated. He wished that she would talk to someone about the pain, but the possibility that Setton's horrible secret past could be spread by the wrong doctor. She hated the pity she received from her spouses about it.