SEX WITH MY BEST FRIEND'S FIANCÉ-Chapter 179

- HAZEL -

My heart is beating terribly fast in my rib cage and the heavy thumping of my chest with each heart beat leaves me alarmed.

My mind is everywhere else but where it’s supposed to be and I don’t need to focus on anything else but my reality yet it’s hard not to. I can’t think straight. I can’t tell if I’m supposed to think straight.

My body and mind want two different things and it’s really contradictory. Correction, my body, heart and mind want different things. If I thought I was holding my resolve before, this encounter just shattered it. I draw my eyes from my bed to my laptop.

When I left Killian’s office today, I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. My mind was a havoc and everything about school just begged me to run. It started here kind of. My whole peril.

How my one night stand became my professor then my bed friend’s fiancé. How I needed to pretend like I didn’t feel the things that I felt for him. How we bonded. . . How I became secretive. . . How I met Asami. . .

Everything links back to this school and dumbass hostel. Not that it helped, but being away from school premises eased my mind off a teeny bit. I’m still in school but in my dorm room. I’ve been on my bed since then, trying to read but can’t because these thoughts won’t let me.

All it took was his touch and lips on my skin to remind me of what I’m missing. I close my eyes and let my mind dive back into this afternoon. If things weren’t so bad, I’d have reacted differently to him trapping me against a wall while his fingers caressed my body in a torturous kind of way.

I let my hand curl up my thighs, circling the areas he touched while remembering him do it. The moment my finger settled between my legs, I gasped. My eyes opened immediately and peered at my laptop screen. Tears run down my cheeks and I clear my throat.

Why does it have to be so hard to decide on something? Part of me wants him involved but the other part of me is too terrified to speak. I remember when I was younger and thought to myself how stupid it was for people to be blackmailed because all a blackmailer tells you not to do are the things that said person is scared of knowing it’ll lead him or her to jail or trouble yet now that I’m actually faced with it, it seems a whole lot harder. I understand it now. . . Why people kept their mouths shut in those circumstances. Sometimes, to stay alive, all one needs to do is shut up and follow orders even when those orders eats them alive.

I swallow, taking my hand off my thigh to wrap it around my pillow which is between my folded legs and resting on my boobs and stomach as it’s vertically placed. My jaw sinks into my pillow. I’m tired. I would avoid everything and everyone if it meant me having peace even for a little while but that isn’t even an option.

Believe it or not but I doubt I’d survive if my only source of human interaction was cut off. It’s weirdly the only thing keeping me sane. My lips form a line. I remember how excited I was to start uni and transfer schools after my breakup.

. . . .

It’s funny how a blessing to others can be a curse to someone else, I’ve been through nothing but hell despite the few happy moments I had. Now I’m just confused.

I lean over to the end of my bed to grab my bag and take out my phone. My bag is with me alright, I dip my hand inside the unzipped bag to, but my phone is not. My eyes widens and my brows furrow. I pour out everything in my bag on my bed, searching for my phone.

I could’ve sworn that it was in here. I could’ve sworn that I took it out of the hall. Right? I can’t remember if it was in my pocket or not but one thing I know is I can’t find it. Geez. The one time I choose not to use my phone for a few hours, it goes missing.

My forehead begins to palpitate. Losing my cell is something I cannot afford. The money to buy a new one is not the issue, it’s what is in that phone that’s the issue. The last thing I want is something triggering that’ll push Asami to think I’m ignoring her and lead her to leak my nudes. I swallow.

Where on earth did I lose my phone?! When?! Could it be with the girls from the study group? I can’t even call them to reach out to them. I shove everything that fell from my bag to a corner of my bed then fall flat on my bed. I’m too exhausted to even act out my worry. The chances of me finding my device even if I search for it while tracing every step I took back is low.

One point to make is how easy it is to steal a phone. Another point is how long it’s been out there without supervision. A groan leaves my lips. I’m just tired.

I’m genuinely starting to think I want all of this to end anyway it possibly can. This is not living. This is just letting myself dry up till there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. That’s if there was ever an end to the tunnel. Asami gets me to break things off with Killian and then what? She never said she’ll get rid of the blackmail evidence so she still has leverage over me if I succumb to it. She still has me under her thumb.

Today, when I was with Killian, for a brief second I thought; what if I say fuck this and do whatever I want? It’ll be perilous but everything going on with me is.

I mean, what if I call the bait and let her leak them and reveal everything to Kate, what happens next? She’ll have nothing against me anymore. I won’t have to do her will aside to keep myself alive. I let out a dry life.

If I actually choose to call it quits and leave her to do what she wants, how sure am I that she’ll end it there?

Very unsure, I answer myself. A heavy exhale comes after. But at least then, if she doesn’t get to me first, I’ll have the police on my case. I’ll have my parents, if they let me stay in this country or state after then, assign body guards to me or send me to a private boarding uni. No matter how long I ponder on this, the latter seems very unconvincing yet convincing. At least I’ll be free from everything going on with me.

And maybe, just maybe, there wouldn’t still be an engagement between Killian and Kate. A lump forms in my throat. That would mean an easy green light considering there won’t be any use staying away because I’d already be hated. I force the lump back into my belly with a hard swallow.

Now this, this is something that happens when a phone is out of the way, it helps me think even though I wasted hours doing nothing but that.

I stretch my hand without moving so much in my laying position to reach out to my laptop. I close it gently when my hand touches it. I’ll try to focus on school work later but right now, I think I need a nap to help me process all of this and think about what to do next.

Hopefully. . . . I make the right decision that’ll benefit us all. I shake my head. No, more like a right decision that’ll benefit me because I am selfish.

After all, throughout this darkest time of my life, I’ve been mostly alone with no one to lean on so I deserve to be allowed to be selfish. I let out a sigh, staring right at the ceiling. I can feel the heaviness of my stress weigh down on my eyes, forcing a much needed sleepiness to haul over me.

This time, no matter what I choose to do, I’m going to choose me. Just me, and what benefits me only. Even though at the start of it, it will be rough. But that’s the kind of rough path that I will push myself to handle.

I close my eyes, giving into the sleep. This saying suddenly becomes admirable;

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.