Transmigrated Into a Cannon Fodder Phoenix, Stuck With the Ice Dragon-Chapter 122: Her Complex Emotions

"Dumb."

The word escaped me before I could stop it.

Lucian went completely still, as though the air itself had pressed a pause on him. His gaze did not harden, and he did not pull away from me, he simply stared, caught somewhere between surprise and the weight of the memory he had just exposed.

I looked down at my hands, my fingers tightening together in my lap.

"She must be lucky," I said, my voice quieter than I expected. "To be the one you loved so much that you were willing to break every rule for her. To be the one who mattered so much that you would trust a fairy with her life."

A small breath slipped out of me, "That you were willing... to be this dumb."

He still didn’t move. And somehow, the silence he gave me weighed heavier than any response.

I forced myself to keep going.

"You don’t do things like that for someone unless you’ve already given them everything inside you," I whispered. "You don’t tear your own future apart unless you’re trying to save someone else’s."

My throat tightened, but I forced a smile, "What is her name?"

Lucian blinked. He looked at me as though he were trying to read something buried behind my words.

"Seraphina..." He paused, pressing his lips together. "I—I’m telling you this just because I promised I wouldn’t hide anything from you—"

"Then," I interrupted softly, "do you still love her?"

The question hung between us.

Lucian inhaled slowly, like the answer carried weight he had never been allowed to set down.

"I love the person she was," he said at last. "I love the girl who laughed too loudly and believed the world could be kinder than it is. I love the memory of her... the life she never got to live."

His voice tightened.

"But I don’t live in that place anymore."

I held my breath.

"I visit it sometimes," he admitted quietly. "In dreams. In regret. In the spaces where silence feels heavier than sound. But I don’t belong there."

Then he looked at me.

The room seemed to narrow until there was nothing between us but breath and truth.

"I belong here," he said. "With you."

My chest ached anyway.

"Then why does it still sound like goodbye when you talk about her?" I asked.

Lucian’s gaze softened.

"Because you don’t lose someone and walk away untouched," he said. "You carry the scar. You carry the grief. But you don’t carry the future."

My fingers twisted together.

"And what if she woke up?" I asked.

He didn’t answer right away, as if he were choosing the only answer that would not wound the woman sitting in front of him any more than she already was.

Lucian drew in a slow breath.

"If she woke up..." he said quietly, "I would make sure she was safe. I would make sure she was cared for. I would give her everything she needs to live again."

My hands tightened in my lap.

"But," he continued, his voice low, "I wouldn’t go back to her."

I lifted my eyes to him.

"Because I can’t," he said. "Not because she wasn’t important. But because what I felt back then... isn’t what I feel now."

He looked at me steadily. "I didn’t become empty after her," he said. "I changed."

His fingers tightened around mine. "And I didn’t expect to... but you’re the one standing here with me now."

The words didn’t wipe away the ache.

I tilted my head, studying his face as my heart refused to accept his answer. "We’ll talk again when she wakes up..."

I stood, but he stopped me.

"What do you mean?" he asked, his voice low. "You don’t believe me?"

I shook my head slowly.

"It’s not that I don’t believe you," I said. "It’s that I don’t know what I will be when that day comes."

His grip loosened just enough for me to pull my hand from his.

"When she’s just a story," I whispered, "I can breathe."

Lucian still.

"But when she opens her eyes," I continued, my voice soft but unsteady, "she won’t be a memory anymore. She’ll be standing in front of you."

I wrapped my arms around myself.

"And I don’t know who I’ll be then," I admitted. "I don’t know if I’ll still be brave enough to stand where I am now."

Lucian stood as well.

"Maybe when that time comes, you can ask yourself the same question again," I continued quietly. "Or maybe... just maybe... your heart might waver."

I looked at him, "Because after all... she is your first love."

Lucian didn’t answer.

He stood there, his jaw tightening slightly, his gaze fixed somewhere just past my shoulder like he was searching for an answer that didn’t exist yet.

I waited. The seconds stretched thin.

His hand lifted as if he meant to reach for me, then fell back to his side.

I let out a quiet breath.

"See?" I whispered.

Only then did he look at me again.

"See? What do you mean by ’see’?" he repeated softly. "I didn’t answer because... I could already see it in your eyes."

His voice lowered.

"The doubt is already there."

He hesitated, as though the next words were being dragged from him.

"What am I supposed to say to you right now?" he asked quietly. "What answer could I give that wouldn’t hurt you... one way or another?"

I stared at him as his words made anger crept up my spine.

"Answer that wouldn’t hurt me?" I let out a short, disbelieving laugh. "You could just say it. Just say you love me. Say you love me, only me—"

I bit my lip hard.

"Lucian... right now, I’m starting to wonder... when you chose me, when you married me... was your mother really the only one on your mind?" My voice dipped, unsteady. "Or maybe... maybe she was the one you wanted to save."

The words fell harder than I meant them to.

"Maybe you married me because you thought I could fix her too!"