The Country Life Diary of a Gangster's Secretary-Chapter 137

"…"

"You’ve been avoiding me, haven’t you?"

"No, I haven’t. Why would I avoid you?"

"Yes, you have."

Hyesung pushed Lee Hyuk’s hands away, his tone edged with frustration.

He had known it all along. Even though he had tried to rationalize it, convincing himself that Lee Hyuk was just busy with work, he couldn’t shake the feeling that Lee Hyuk was deliberately avoiding him.

The reason he hadn’t gone to Lee Hyuk’s room more often wasn’t out of consideration for his busy schedule. It was because he was afraid of confirming what he suspected—that Lee Hyuk was, in fact, avoiding him.

When the nurse mentioned the late-night visits, and the doctor spoke of things he didn’t understand, Hyesung had been forced to confront the truth.

"Then why do you only come to see me when I’m asleep? Why do you only take care of me from a distance? You’ve been releasing your pheromones while I’m sleeping, haven’t you?"

"Hyesung…"

"Why…?"

Hyesung’s voice came out sharper than he intended. He had meant to have a calm conversation, but the warmth of Lee Hyuk’s hands on his face stirred a mix of emotions—both comfort and resentment.

"Why… why won’t you look me in the eye? Why won’t you hold me…?"

Hyesung’s voice cracked, tears welling up in his eyes. He had endured so much while Lee Hyuk lay on the brink of death, had fought so hard to resolve everything, and now, to be met with Lee Hyuk’s coldness—it terrified him.

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"I’m sorry, Hyesung. I’m so sorry. Please don’t cry, okay?"

Lee Hyuk, clearly taken aback, pulled Hyesung into his arms, gently patting his back as if soothing a child. But the more he comforted him, the more Hyesung cried, his sobs growing louder.

"Hyesung… please stop crying," Lee Hyuk pleaded, his tone almost desperate. He had never seen Hyesung cry like this before. His heart felt like it was being torn apart.

"It’s all because of you… it’s your fault…" Hyesung choked out.

"Yes, it’s all my fault. I’m sorry. I was wrong."

Lee Hyuk wiped away Hyesung’s tears, worried that his fragile state might lead to dehydration. Hyesung’s eyes were now red and swollen from crying.

After what felt like an eternity, Hyesung finally calmed down, clutching the bottle of water Lee Hyuk had given him.

"They said you didn’t finish your dinner again. You can’t do that, especially after suffering from malnutrition. Starting tomorrow, you need to try to eat as much as you can, even if it’s difficult."

Hyesung couldn’t help but find the situation absurd. Lee Hyuk had barely spoken to him, yet he had been monitoring everything from the sidelines.

"I don’t want to."

"Hyesung."

"If you think about it, this is all your fault. I can’t focus on anything because you keep avoiding me."

Hyesung looked at Lee Hyuk with sad eyes, silently pleading for him to be honest, to tell him everything. Lee Hyuk sighed deeply, realizing there was no more avoiding the truth.

"If I’ve been avoiding you… it’s not because of you. It’s because of me."

Lee Hyuk reached for the blanket draped over the sofa and wrapped it around Hyesung.

"When I saw you in that bastard’s hands, I regretted everything for the first time."

"What do you mean?"

"I regretted bringing you into Taesung."

Hyesung’s eyes widened slightly. Lee Hyuk gently caressed Hyesung’s bandaged hands as he continued speaking.

"If I hadn’t brought you into Taesung, you wouldn’t have been kidnapped by Kim Doo-sung, or gotten involved with those Yushin thugs."

There was a weariness in Lee Hyuk’s voice as he spoke, a heaviness that Hyesung had never heard before. He had never imagined that Lee Hyuk would have these kinds of thoughts.

In all the years Hyesung had known him, Lee Hyuk had never shown weakness. No matter how big the obstacle in his path, he had never complained or expressed regret.

Regret wasn’t something that Lee Hyuk allowed himself to feel. He never dwelled on the past, never looked back with a sense of failure.

"But once that thought entered my mind, I couldn’t stop it. If I hadn’t brought you into Taesung, you would have graduated from university, gotten a good job at a big company, and lived a normal life as an ordinary office worker."

Lee Hyuk rested his forehead against Hyesung’s hand.

"At the very least, you wouldn’t have scars on your hands, bruises on your neck, or memories of being kidnapped."

As he felt Lee Hyuk’s warmth, Hyesung found himself unable to speak. Hearing Lee Hyuk’s words, hearing him so vulnerable, filled Hyesung with a strange unease. His mind started to spin, leading him down dark paths of worry and doubt.

"But what I couldn’t stand most of all…"

"If that had happened, I wouldn’t have fallen for you. We might never have met."

Hyesung interrupted, squeezing Lee Hyuk’s hand tightly. Why was he saying these things? Hyesung bit his lip hard.

"Do you regret meeting me?"

"What…?"

Once again, tears welled up in Hyesung’s large eyes, though this time they weren’t tears of anger but of deep, lingering fear. He fought to keep them at bay, his gaze hardening as he struggled to hold back his emotions.

"…"

Lee Hyuk watched Hyesung in silence before leaning in to kiss his eyes, gently brushing the tears away with his tongue and holding them in his mouth. The warmth of the kiss traveled downward—from his eyes to his nose, and finally to his lips.

"Do you know what conclusion I came to after all of that?"

Hyesung shook his head.

"Even though you were hurt, even though you were in danger, all I wanted was for you to stay by my side."

"…"

"Hyesung, do you really think that after seeing you put yourself in danger to protect me and Taesung, all I could feel was regret?"

"And?"

"To be honest, I felt a kind of exhilaration."

Despite the danger to his life, Hyesung had thrown himself into the fray, fighting with everything he had. Lee Hyuk had heard all about it, and he couldn’t deny the dark satisfaction he had felt.

Even though Hyesung was hurt, even though he suffered, a part of Lee Hyuk relished the idea that Hyesung was so devoted to him, so focused on him that nothing else mattered. But that satisfaction had quickly turned into guilt.

"I couldn’t even protect you, couldn’t do anything but sleep, and yet I was thinking these things… I was afraid you’d hate me if you knew."

"So you avoided me?"

Lee Hyuk slowly nodded.

"Were you disappointed?"

"What if I told you I’ve fallen out of love with you, and I want you to let me go?"

Their eyes met in the dim light. Lee Hyuk didn’t respond, didn’t show any expression, just let out a small laugh.

Seeing his reflection in those dark eyes, Hyesung knew what Lee Hyuk was saying without words: Go ahead and try.

A tight feeling gripped him, like a noose tightening around his chest. With just one look, Hyesung felt as if he had been ensnared, trapped in an inescapable bond.

But instead of fear or disappointment, what he felt was overwhelming joy. He realized, in that moment, that he was no different from Lee Hyuk.

"I’m not disappointed. All I needed to know was that you don’t regret meeting me. I know I was in danger this time. But like I always say, it was my choice. So don’t feel guilty, and don’t regret anything."

Hyesung nestled into Lee Hyuk’s arms, finally feeling at peace.

"Okay. But you have to promise me you won’t put yourself in danger again. I don’t want to lose my mind over you."

Lee Hyuk scooped Hyesung up and carried him to the bed. He gently laid him down and tucked the blankets around him.

Hyesung’s hand reached out from beneath the blanket, grabbing onto Lee Hyuk’s sleeve.

"Go to sleep. I’ll stay here and watch over you."

Lee Hyuk pressed a tender kiss to Hyesung’s forehead before pulling back. As he did, the familiar scent of citrus filled the room—the warm, loving fragrance that Hyesung had always adored.