The Fallen Spectator-Chapter 24: Understanding Oneself

"Where have you been?" Alina asked me, her eyes squinting.

"I just went to grab some snacks. Take it." Saying this I passed her a sandwich, which I purchased on the way.

She grabbed the sandwich, but instead of eating it, she stared at me suspiciously.

"What?" I asked her.

She didn’t say anything, but also didn’t eat the sandwich. After watching her for a few minutes like this I finished my sandwich, before snatching hers too.

"You..." She exclaimed.

"What? If you are not gonna eat then I have too, we shouldn’t waste food like that." I have her small lecture looking at puffed mouth like a pufferfish.

"Give me back, that’s mine." She said in an annoyed voice. I smiled and gave her sandwich back, before stepping into the bus. She came behind, as usual I sat at the window seat, and the bus moved forward.

I gave Alina a glance, she was still munching on her sandwich grudgingly. Her eyes were staring at me from corners. I gave her a sweet smile, before turning outside. Letting my graze drift with winds and clouds, embracing the beauty of nature, not knowing long it will last. 𝗳𝚛𝗲𝕖𝚠𝚎𝚋𝗻𝗼𝕧𝗲𝐥.𝚌𝚘𝐦

Soon we arrived at our stop. After entering our home, I saw Dad wasn’t there, and Mom was watching TV. I went straight into my room, locking the door I sat on my bed, entering the nightmare realm.

"So, how was it devouring the whole Dragon Realm?" The shadow came to me laughing while looking at my chained figure.

I didn’t say anything, I just watched him.

"Well, you should know. We are separate but one. This is our greatest advantage, if we don’t utilize it to the fullest then what is the use of it." He said in a calm voice, no longer laughing. I just continued to observe, no word, nothing.

"You know why I am like this, not the berserk or twisted monster described in those ancient texts." He said and paused waiting for me to ask him, but I didn’t say anything.

"Well, this is the only way. You carry pain while I carry our dreams. Only this way, we can live, sharing burdens and dreams." He continued with his words while I stood there motionless.

After waiting for a few seconds when he didn’t get any reply he left, leaving in this black sea surrounded by darkness. My life is hanging on sometimes, which I didn’t want to care about.

I raised my head in the darkness, my body covered in blood, my veins swollen. As I raised my head completely. The wounds vanished from my body returning almost into perfect conditions. I almost looked like before if not for the black chains wrapping around my body and black sea grabbing on my feet.

The external wounds were gone but internal they had become a part of me could no longer be severed. As my gaze looked deeper into darkness a blurry figure appeared in front of me.

’So, this is the price you paid.’ I thought, looking at Kai’s vague figure in darkness. This guy was the one, whom I always looked up to in my first life. Until, the delusion of being a hero took over me.

’Now, I am suffering from the same pain he had gone through. Fortunately, I am still in a better place than him. As long as that shadow didn’t become a monster everything is fine. I will take pain for their happiness.’ With these thoughts rambling in my head, I closed my eyes.

In the morning, as usual I woke up having breakfast with the family. I was watching just watching everything, my thoughts had already started to become hazy. I didn’t know how long I would last, but I will try, try to watch a few extra moments of this life.

After breakfast Alina and I went to college. In college it was crowded with thousands of students yet nothing was alive for me. The world had already started to lose its colors in my eyes.

Each passing second, is taking my sanity, my life, my soul away from me. The world’s colors were becoming bland, the reality was distorting, and I was becoming more and more empty.

Slowly, I was losing my purpose, to live even though the truth which I hid in my heart had become meaningless for me. Maybe, it was always meaningless. It was just me who over complicated it.

’Well, maybe this shadow is right. I need to sacrifice my selfishness if I want them to live. Letting go of my obsession, and embracing this void. After all, I have always said I am just a seer. Then why would I need these thoughts for. I only need to observe, that’s what true spectators do. No, my own thoughts, no rationality, no morality, no empathy.’

I had finally accepted my role without any false hope or diversion because I no longer could form any more rational thoughts. I had already lost my rationality amidst this darkness.

The truth is even if I consider something rational, it still wouldn’t be rational cause my sense of judgment had already been corrupted by this darkness.

In a few hours things had turned from chaotic to calm. The black ocean had become completely still, not even a ripple remained in the black water.

Outside, the sun had finally come out illuminating the world with life, but for day or night, life or death, everything had already lost its meaning.

Slowly, things started moving on as usual, completely ignoring my existence. The shadow was taking over me and my existence. Though Alina still had doubts, she was also slowly accepting this new me, a better me.

They were moving on, things were becoming calm again while I became the eyes, the eyes to watch, the eyes which wanted to live but couldn’t, the eyes observing the world, the eyes observing myself.

’This... This Is the reality, and this is me.’