Beers and Beards-Chapter 78Book 4, : Please Don’t Eat Me

The ‘Peace’ council was to take place in a hastily erected tent at the location of the small skirmish between the Grandian irregulars and the Alliance outriders. A trio of dragons had simply scooped up one of the larger pavilions from the refugee camp and dumped it atop the Grand Archon and told him to be ready in fifteen minutes to talk.

Or for dinner. His choice.

Captain Conrad, myself, and Starshine got a ride from Henbeetta to the meeting. Henbeetta did not like all the other air traffic and demanded to be sent home immediately. I obliged after thanking her profusely for her help and promising her a bottle of our strongest sack mead.

The battlefield, such as it was, was littered with the loudly complaining injured. The Alliance soldiers were very unhappy at being ambushed by a supposedly neutral party, and the Grandians were more than happy to be extremely rude in return.

Apparently ‘Codsucker’ was a popular insult in Grandia. I was learning things!

Like that dragons are really big. And really scary. A sharp smile full of teeth from an ancient monster made me feel things. Probably different things from whatever Valarienne was feeling. He was still stuck to the side of that dragon named Yi. Who might or might not be the Chosen Catalyst of Solen; the only Chosen still unspoken for. I still didn’t know for sure because Valarienne wouldn’t talk to me, dammit!

We waited around for a while, trying not to look like food, while dragons in every shape and size stalked and flew around the hills. I found myself staring at a tall human-form red-haired dragoness with long curly locks and bronze skin with a set of curling golden horns. She seemed to be of some importance, as the dragons kept coming up to her, and she had that ‘I’m the Boss’ look that I recognized as middle management. She was wearing a frilly white dress in a gothic-lolita style, which contrasted with the enormous leonine haunch she was holding in one hand as she tore bits off it with her razor sharp teeth. She spotted me staring and gave me a wink.

I shivered, then jumped as Yi announced from behind us, “The meeting will begin soon. Wait in the tent until we’re ready.”

My mouth felt dry. “... do I have a choice?”

“There’s always a choice.”

I gave a sick smile. “Is the other choice to die by slow dismemberment?”

“Are you courting death?” Yi laughed, his teeth showing. “No. It would not be slow. I’m not cruel. And just you, noble, not your guard.”

Great.

So it was that I found myself around a long table with the Grand Archon of Grandia, Shaman Alba, Captain Conrad, and the representative of the Eastern Alliance - a green jacketed Valarian man with way too many epaulets on his shoulders. He had a handlebar moustache that could put Balin’s to shame, and a balding pate.

“This is utterly ridiculous!” He shouted. “I see you, Grand Archon Erik! Don’t try to hide behind that cockamamie hat!”

The Grand Archon had doffed his plate armour and was dressed in a standard Grandian ruffled white silk shirt and tight linen pants. He also had a ridiculous hat with an enormous ostrich feather sticking rakishly from the back. He had it low on his head and was trying to hide his face. It was a fairly handsome face, with a well groomed short goatee and sculpted black sideburns. A wide chin and square jaw completed the look, which was about as close to the stereotypical internet ‘chad’ as any human could actually get.

He knew what I was, and he was probably smart enough to put two and two together; word of my divine revelation in Tree had spread pretty far amongst the nobility. I had to hope that he’d keep my secret, but if it would save his city I had little doubt that he’d throw me under the bus in a hot minute.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about General Cavendish,” the Archon muttered, his deep voice emerging from beneath the wide brim.

“I think you do! And my people will have words and sanctions to deliver to Grandia! How dare you ambush us after agreeing not to involve yourselves! And these dragons! What were you thinking!? And you, dwarf – ”

There was a throat clearing gesture from behind the General, and we all swung our gazes up to see Yi standing directly behind him.

“I can see that this conversation will be annoying with you here,” Yi remarked, then grabbed the general by the collar and dragged him, protesting, out of the tent. There was a lot of yelling and terrified shouting, followed by sudden silence.

“So… does anybody know why the dragons are here?” Alba asked into the hushed quiet. She winced as another dragon roared far overhead.

“No. We were hoping you would,” Conrad said, his nose grey with fear.

“Where’s Isen?” I asked, jumping in to head off that line of questioning. “We couldn’t get a hold of him.”

Alba shook her head sadly. "He was holding the Commstone when we were struck by a barrage from those damn gryphons. He lost his arm and the commstone. He survived, but he wasn't in any shaype to do this conference."

Conrad and I both gulped. “Is he –” I began, but was interrupted as Yi strutted back into the tent - Valarienne was nowhere to be seen. Instead, he was handling a human woman by the collar. Her long golden hair was starting to grey, and she was dressed in a blue uniform with silver epaulets.

“Ah! Is that you Lady Vanderhoof?” Erik lifted his hat and gave a winning smile. “Much preferable to that other idiot.”

“Grand Archon Erik? What is this??” She asked, looking around the tent in terror. “Why are you here!?”

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“This is an interrogation. Now, be silent and sit, or join the other pompous idiot who dared to test my patience.” Yi declared, then took a seat at the head of the table. “Annabeth, Darkanen, I can sense you; get in here.”

We all winced as the tent flap lifted and another two dragons walked into the room. One was the tanned redhead I’d seen earlier. She strutted up to the seat beside Erik and flumped down onto it with her legs crossed. She gave Erik a sharp toothed smile, and flicked her forked tongue across her lips as she did so.

The other was a dragon with even darker skin than Richter, a pure black like onyx, with silver horns. He was almost a perfect reflection of Yi, with his white skin and black horns. He was also thinner, with the sleek muscles and easy movements of a dancer or a gymnast. He was dressed in a robe not unlike something you’d see in the middle east back on Earth.

The woman named Lady Vanderhoof took a trembling seat, her eyes glued to the three dragons.

“Now. You will explain everything that has happened. Leave nothing out.” Yi commanded.

All the non-dragons looked around the table, wondering who was going to go first. Eventually the Grand Archon began, “We were in the midst of a small disagreement over the treatment of the plains tribes –”

“Small disagreement – !” Alba retorted hotly, then immediately snapped her mouth shut at a glare from Yi.

Erik cleared his throat. “There were some in Grandia who… disagreed with the Western Alliance’s actions. In fact, there’s been a real swell of that disagreement of late. When the Alliance and the Coalition of Tribes entered into their final battle, those few decided to come make their displeasure known. We are mostly a group of ragtag adventurers with little real strength, but enough to turn the tide of an even battle.”

“No real strength?” Lady Vanderhoof repeated back with incredulity. “Lord Dragons, I don’t know if you realize, but that is the Grand Archon of Grandia. One of the strongest people in the entire world. He’s six times Specialized, and has command of powerful Magic and enchanted items. He’s not some ragtag adventurer!”

“True,” The redheaded dragon yawned, looking bored. “Though we already knew that. That’s why he’s here. But you do realize that he’s only strong to you? Yes? He shouldn’t have had the strength to bring us here.”

“Bring you here?” Lady Vanderhoof hesitated. “You… didn’t come to help him? Or the beastfolk?”

She looked around the tent at everyone, her tone plaintive. “Then… Why are you here, Lord Dragons?”

“That seems to be the question of the day,” Yi said, leaning back in his chair, his black hair cascading over his armrests. Seriously, this guy somehow managed to look like a painting no matter what he did. “From our perspective, we were flying over Grandia, preparing to land in the city, when we were suddenly teleported en-mass to the location of your battlefield.”

Erik turned white at the dragon’s works, his knuckles gripping the edge of the table. “Grandia? What plans did you have for my city?”

Yi turned a piercing stare on the Grand Archon, and smirked. “To conquer it. Of course.”

“You!” Erik began hotly, then snapped his jaw shut with a *clack*. He took a moment to gather himself, then continued sweetly. “We would, of course, be happy to have you all as visitors. We have the finest food on the Eastern Sea, and many of the grandest sights as well! I’m sure you wouldn’t want to waste your time dealing with the minutiae of keeping a city running, when you have so many better things to do.”

“Ach, see!? Here’s a man who gets it, Yi!” The redhead laughed cheerfully, leaning over and ruffling Erik’s hair. “Why get into a big tiff when we can just get some free grub and enjoy some time in all this lovely sun? Are you inviting us, hot stuff?”

The black dragon nodded sagely, thumbing his cleft chin in appreciative thought.

“Because, my foolish disciples. The entire point was to train your bodies and minds with real combat and some real responsibilities.” Yi said coldly. “How can you ever expect to properly manifest chi and master yourselves if you can’t even master these peasants?”

Lady Vanderhoof twitched at being referred to as a peasant, but didn’t gainsay the big scary dragon.

“How can we ever properly ‘manifest chi’ if we’re hungry and tired, Yi?” The black dragon replied, his voice gaining a wheedling tone. “Annabeth and I will stick with you through thick and thin, but the others are chaffing. I’m not sure you’re going to be able to keep everyone in line for much longer, even if you thump some as an example again.”

Yi turned away from his companions and nailed Vanderhoof with a glare. “This still doesn’t answer the question of why we’re here. We were at Grandia, and now we’re not. Why. Our first guess was your army, Vanderhoof. You’re clearly the best equipped, and have more mages than any other faction here right now.” 𝒻𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘸ℯ𝒷𝘯𝘰𝑣ℯ𝑙.𝘤𝑜𝘮

Now it was Lady Vanderhoof’s turn to turn white. “No! I swear!” She gabbled. “We were winning the battle. Why would we complicate things!! It must’ve been the beastfolk!” She pointed at Alba. “With their strange Shamanic magics! They have dozens of new [Shamans] and the most need. Maybe they did something!”

Everyone looked at Alba, who was staring at the wall of the tent. She blinked as though just realizing she’d been addressed, and hesitantly replied, “If we could summon dragons, we would’ve done so long ago. I know no more than any of you.”

Throughout this, Alba had remained sitting somewhat blankly in her chair, her eyes a million miles away. I’d been thinking this was her best chance to try and maybe get some help from the dragons, but she was just zoning out instead. What was she doing? I stared at her, then stared. Was she still melded with the other shamans? Was there a limit on how far that Ability worked?

“They’re all speaking the truth,” the redhead – Annabeth – said, rocking on her chair. “Probably. I’m boooooored, Yi. I think it’s pretty clear none of these mortals were capable of doing this. Maybe it was city defenses? I think we should grill this one a bit more.” She reached out and scratched under Erik’s chin, and he very admirably under the circumstances, didn’t flinch. “Just because he was telling the truth doesn’t mean that he isn’t hiding anything.”

I kept trying to build up my courage to talk. This was all the result of my Deific Intervention after all, I should do something to take advantage of it. But at the same time…

I’m not a coward, okay? I’ve fought big mole things, had axes swung at me in brawls, and faced a Monster Stampede. But these dragons? They were something else. Especially when I knew that they were all really, really, pissed at me in particular.

So, I did my best to look like a fly on the wall. Yup. Don’t mind me! Just the dwarven noble here to watch the proceedings! I wasn’t hiding anything at all! Nope! Nothing!

I felt a single drop of sweat trailing down my scalp and desperately kept from rubbing the back of my head. I was pretty sure I could dance around some simple questions, but if they asked me directly my ass was grass.

Hopefully they took my fear as, well, fear of being eaten.